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i managed to stay up last night till nearly my regular bedtime, then just collapsed like a cheap tent. the whole night was as fitful as they come. i was haunted all night by the image of JWB from yesterday, standing there gazing at me with those sad puppy dog eyes, a look that always used to melt me and apparently still does, but not to quite the same extent. it amazes me that that glance i made to him yesterday as i passed him lasted less than a second, but the image burned into my mind in 3-d, living color, i can almost smell him. my imagination is powerfully vivid as well, which i'll talk about more if i ever get back to 'watching'.
so that image of him from yesterday, those siren eyes trying to lure me to the rocks. what does he want? me to jump his bones? merely to acknowledge his existence? that look used to mean something closer to the former, but more in a love-making, not so much a bone-jumping way. it was one of his hooks in his arsenal of weapons of seth destruction. yesterday i only turned my eyes, not my head, as i passed by. but it was enough to catch his eyes and burn his image deep enough to plague me all night.
this morning there was another of those he (the L O) lies there, i jerk him off, then jerk myself off. you know where my mind was.
after he got out of bed, i lay there clutching my dear dear mr. body pillow watching my mind and heart have a fight.
my mind was saying: "he seduced you. he led you on. he took you for granted. he was only interested in himself, not you. he betrayed you. he blamed you for all his problems. he sent his mommy to make threats against you. he told you he wants no contact with you. it looks like he misses you, wants you back, can't keep his mind off you, but if you yield, you'll have more trouble than you had before or already have."
to each of these points my heart could only say: "yeah, but, but, but..."
i'm so glad my mind ignored my heart and just steamrolled. obviously the conflict and hurt are still there. both for him and for me. at least for me the tables have turned in that it used to be the heart calling all the shots.
it would be so much easier if the fight were between the little head and the big one!
be that as it may, in the shower this morning all i could think about was the literally and figuratively steamy times he and i had had in there. our embracing and kissing under the hot water, my hand soaping his hairy crack and diddling with his hole, and with each little probe of my finger feeling his tongue tremble as it danced with mine. the memories gave me, my heart, a sense of erotic fullness and satisfaction, not an erection, if that makes any sense.
then as i was lathering up my wooly bits i noticed how much in need of a shave my nuts were, and that set off another memory. one afternoon i was lying on the bed having a nap and he came over. his car didn't wake me, or the dogs, or the door. i was awakened by him standing by the bed saying excitedly, almost like a schoolboy with a new magic trick, "I have to show you something!" before i knew it he'd kicked off his shoes, lost his pants and boxers, and was straddling me, crotch in my face, and said, "i shaved them just for you!" and proceeded to teabag me. of course i sucked one then the other then both his nuts into my mouth, tonguing, tugging, even nipping a little as i went. his cock was already hard as a rock when he mounted me. then again, in my presence, his cock always was. i can't remember a single time even once grabbing his crotch when we were together that he wasn't already hard, no matter what we were doing at the time. oh to be 22 again! (but only for that reason!)
did i suck him off that day or want him to fuck me? can't remember. all i remember is how sexy, silky smooth his freshly shaved sac was.
there's a pic i could add here, but don't have time to find it right now. maybe later. if/when i do, i'll link back.
i loved him. i miss him. whatever happened to him?
seth,
the silky sac sucker
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
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