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apprehensive as i was this morning about going to work i actually did. i just didn't want to see him. not after last night.
so my afternoon meeting ended early and i wound up running into him in the hall. an empty hall. we knew each other on peripheral sight and stopped in our tracks. no eye contact. feeling each other's presence was disturbing enough. we stood alone there in a veil of desire intertwined with fear, the same veil we've always been trapped in, for seconds that flew by like hours. he wouldn't look, nor would i. yet we stood there, sucked into each other even if only in peripheral vision. but it was more. the old electric, magnetic connection was there. palpable. but we didn't and wouldn't look. the moment was awkward, but more frustrating than anything.
he wanted me to take the lead and speak. i didn't, wouldn't, and won't. it's his turn. i'm not being a jerk, i'm being who he demanded i be, silent and invisible. so why does he stalk me?
today's meeting (i almost said 'confrontation') showed one thing if nothing else. my undying feelings for him aren't a manifestation of my 'obsession' with him. the 'obsession' is mutual. obviously we both still care for each other, both still hurt, both still helpless, whatever efforts we make to distance ourselves emotionally. were it only me in this torment it would be different. the emotional contortions are mutual. in 67 days he'll have to move on. best for both of us. our feelings for each other were and remain intense. too many mitigating factors on each side for us to work. i hate to sound dramatic ('dramatic' in both senses), but we were doomed upon meeting. i'm never gonna know another him. nor he another me. we were (oh how trite!) for each other, but also destined to lock horns forever. unfair.
tough shit.
so i'm unhappy right now, and resignation is on the docket but i can't quite bring myself to sign on.
letting go when the other is still holding on as well isn't easy. the 'oh just get over it and move on' school of advice pisses me off more than anything. a nice conceit, but try being here in my situation. if it were that easy, i wouldn't need a diary to bleed into. this isn't a 'oh, don't like green? try blue!' situation.
maybe some of you get that. i hurt. i bleed. i'll never get over him. i'm also damned several ways. i don't want his PCA ass now. i couldn't trust him if he recanted and became rational again, and i can't respect who i thought he was in the past. too many lies i've learned i bought back then.
he is and was a fucking mess. i too am a fucking mess. what would we together make? the answer is exponential, and thank goodness he and i couldn't breed. i'd be so knocked up now! only a 666 could drop out.
so right now i hurt, am boxed in, no way out. i'm stuck here. my pain comes from trying to get out. my hope is to accept yet another dead and rotting tree to my landscape.
got enough of those. this one's the biggest.
i hurt.
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
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