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Wow.
The past couple weeks have been hell on Earth, but yesterday at long last I popped out through the other side of the knothole. When the sun came up this morning, it really did. Confirmation came this morning as I was lying in bed. Yeah, JWB were there on my mind. No shock there. He's visited my mind every morning since I met him 3 years ago and was still in the having a hard time remembering his name phase of our acquaintance. That's always been weird. Anyway, foremost on my mind was one of those fantasies that writes itself with no conscious effort on my part. My imagination and heart minds and uncontrollable wills of their own (which is also why I have such a hard time healing no doubt.) The fantasy involved a guy I've been seeing for the past few days -- seeing with my eyes, thank you very much. It was quite a story and have on my 'to do' list banging it out (pun intended) on the keyboard later today if I can get other important shit over with and still have time and privacy.
That ought to make some people happy.
In the meantime, (boring) catch up saga shit for anyone curious as to what's been going on with me.
This is one of those first you have to know x and y beforehand things, so I'll just get chronological.
Gotta go all the way back to February of last year. At that point JWB and I had been in love with each other for four months, but only expressing it physically for one. Over the course of those four months he'd been through four 'girlfriends' and a few tricks. Quotes on 'girlfriends' because he would never allow it to be said he didn't have a girlfriend. It didn't matter if the gf du jour would put out. There were tricks for that. These girls were public tokens, trophies, proof to the world (and himself) that he was straight as an arrow. His pattern was to have one in tow while he prowled for his next conquest, work on both of them for a bit, then dump the former, claim the latter, and start the hunt for the next one. They were toys, I was his emotional steady. I didn't like the idea of his manipulations, but when you're head over heels in love (or vice versa if you're a bottom *wink*) the other can do no wrong. He/We only ever talked about the sexploits, missions failed or accomplished. I got vicarious pussy through him and we used it erotically to the max.
He only ever chased two kinds of girls: retreads and ingenues. By retreads I mean former gfs or old friends. Either way he knew what buttons to push to lure them into his web. By ingenues I mean girls 17/18 years old, fresh out of high school, and new at work, not to mention the world. With them, any and every button could be pushed for a handsome 22 year old charmer. In other words, he only ever went after the easy touches.
Well, in February came under my wing an ingenue. I grew fond of her immediately. Lots of potential, cute face, fantastic ass, but utterly doe-eyed. He saw her around me and ogled her -- I told him please, hands off this one. He agreed and actually gave me a list of reasons why he should leave her alone.
In April he told me she was bothering him and he thought she had a crush on him or something, and rehearsed the reasons he'd given me before. One day in May he told me she admitted the crush through tears, and he woefully had to tell her he was flattered, but blah blah blah. It hurt him so much to break her little heart, dash her hopes like that. I praised him to the skies. He looked so proud of himself. I was proud of him too. We proceeded to find a secluded place to make out and feel each other up.
In July I broke up with him (for various unrelated reasons), and that same day he attempted suicide. (or made a feeble gesture is more like it.) A couple days later he betrayed me to his parents. I learned this when his mommy called me to accuse me of all kinds of bizarre, untrue things and make threats on my life if I ever attempted any contact with him. The things she said were so upside-down and backwards! I digress.
In September he came back to work. He avoided me like the plague. My heart was still torn to pieces and I was scared shitless of his freaked out mommy to boot.
On one October evening well into martini hour SA sent me an IM. (SA being the hands off ingenue from the spring.) She wrote about how upset she'd been since June when he dumped her, and how she'd only recently heard what he'd done to himself in July, and how even more upset she was that he wouldn't talk to her anymore, and how she knew he and I were really close buds, and she'd noticed that we weren't even talking anymore, which made things even more bizarre to her, so she was writing to ask me what the fuck was going on.
Of course what freaked me out was when she wrote "when he dumped her". WHAT?!!! More martinis were in order. The AIM convo went on quite a while as you can imagine. As did the gin.
She proceeded to tell me how after they met in February he began to hound her constantly, emails, following her around at work, phone calls, even turning up at her apartment without notice. A few months later, in May, he "confessed" how much he liked her and wanted to be her boyfriend and such. She caved. Then in June he sent her a strange, sudden email that simply said: "I don't want to see you anymore."
At that point I was beyond freaked out and had an in vino veritas moment. I told her he and I had been lovers and that he pulled his stunt a few hours after I'd broken up with him.
We had mutual panic attacks.
Bad move.
*Apart from you, dear diary, she's the only one who knows.*
In November I couldn't bear the wall between JWB and me anymore so I called him to my office. He flew to my office, I mean as in within a minute of having opened the email. We chatted for half an hour, mostly about nothing of consequence, third rails being scrupulously avoided. The goal -- ice breaking -- had been accomplished. He asked for hugs twice, and we had them, full body ones with interstitial legs that lasted over a minute each. Not squeezing ones either, but tight embrace, lovers ones. We fit together so well, too well. It was like coming home. On the first I whispered that I missed him. On the second he slid his hand down to the small of my back.
That's when the weird dance between him and me began.
If you remember that Monty Python skit on the lip of a seawall (looked like a lock to me) with John Clease and Eric Idle(?), Eric doing a fore and back dance to John, and when fore clapping John's cheeks with a pair of small fish until John wallops Eric with a large fish sending him flying into the drink, the first part is what JWB has been doing to me since then, the second part is what happened yesterday. For John read Seth, for Eric read JWB and SA.
Well, SA and I continued comparing notes. Every time it hurt more and more to learn how I'd been lied to about all kinds of things. Same for her as all the puzzle pieces fell in. She declared how she also had never known him and how happy she was that he wasn't talking to her anymore, and how if he'd try to she'd rip him a new one. I'd have been so pissed off if not for one thing: I'm the only he told he loved, I'm the only one he'd ever cried to. When I received a windfall check in December, and since she'd always wanted one, I got her one. A cello. She was ecstatic.
In February, she vanished. Cut me off completely. Either silence and coldness or business only. In April she gave back the cello, dumping it in the bed of my truck.
A couple weeks ago my cancer symptoms started up again, as did the hiatal hernia stuff, and I was set to go off when med and onto another, both being the kind of drugs they keep in a locked drawer and you have to show a driver's license to pick up. Med change always throws me for a loop, especially the locked drawer kind, but off one and on the other is more than hideous.
In the midst of this, I'm told by a colleague, whom he knows I talk with, that out of the blue, totally unprompted, JWB had popped into her office and said, "I'm dating SA now." and left. She never asked. She didn't even know who the fuck SA was! My guess is that he expected her to ask me, the point of course being to inform me and prompt me in some way. A big, indirect 'fuck you' to me. Or something. It's especially odd in that that very same day he started flirting with me severely. Odd? Confusing and hurtful? Yeah buddy!
I wrote SA for confirmation. Nothing. Then I heard that she was suddenly a calvinist like him. Obviously totally under his spell. Shocked beyond expression.
Through all of this mind you I'm shitting and puking my guts out, the psoriasis has exploded all over my body (stress), I'm going through the med switch with all the withdrawal and acquisition side effects in full swing. The physical and emotional pain was so great, screw the diary, I was too busy guzzling gin and staring at the wall.
So in an ultra-drunken blear I sent her an email expressing disappointment in her, etc.
I got a blast in response, accusing me of taking advantage of her and all kinds of crazy shit, most of which was incoherent and I couldn't understand when I read it, even the next day when I was sober. That was last Saturday.
On the day before, I had gotten a baffling, hateful email from him. Typical, though. He was flirting with me two days earlier, which scared me. Not having taken the bait, he blew up.
I didn't need all that shit, from both of them no less, certainly not when I had other problems to deal with.
So yesterday I wrote them both. With him there was a brief e-dialog, nothing on task, but it was pleasant nonetheless. It ended with my making a friendly gesture. As for her, I wrote a long one, basically discontinuing our personal relationship, and explaining why in very careful, friendly terms. There has been no response from either. Good. Let it stay that way.
Although, with respect to her, she did admit (defensively) the calvinism shit, but as for JWB, she simple said, "He's an acquaintance. Maybe someday he'll even be a friend." Very strange that. Either one is lying or there are new meanings for the words "girlfriend" and "acquaintance" making them interchangeable. To her credit, though, she did promise she'd never reveal our 'secret'. Whatever games the two are playing with me (and each other), not my problem. Yesterday I folded and left the table on both of them.
Now here I get extremely weird.
How come do I notice shit like this? Dunno. Some bizarre date/number coincidences are afoot. It turned numerologially correct for it to happen.
He and I met on an 11th. We first made love on a 22nd. We last made love on a 22nd. He betrayed me on an 11th. Yesterday, the final break, was an 11th. On top of that, I had taken my calendar and marked the number of days left that I would have to go into work and possibly cross paths with him (ain't that sad if not sick?) Well, as of yesterday, there are 11 more days. Break on an 11th with 11 days left, sum being 22.
So things are good and I feel good. I won't forget him, and you know there will be stories about him in future. I mean erotic ones. News too should there be any news to report. The important thing is that my heart has found a more quiet place for him in my landscape. He'll always be there.
And I'm glad I buried each calmly and in a pleasant manner.
Still, 11 days left to see him, and a lifetime of potential notes from him. I hope none.
Next note should be that hottie guy... yum
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Have any comments you'd like to share?
[So far 0 smart ass remarks have been made.]
encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thinkin' 'bout: H2O
Dog(s) keeping me company: need a nap
Current read: 11