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after submitting that entry last night at 5, i reheated old pizza, nothing was on tv, so i finished my rat book and started stephen king's insomnia, then at 6 i went to bed. at 6! i woke up at 11, let the dogs out, went back to bed, then at 6 this morning a very large dog with a cold wet nose woke me up. i can only call it emotional exhaustion.
as i had written, yesterday started off pretty good. i was feeling pretty ambivalent about jwb and that's a plus. i read a little more of dave's diary with my coffee. the bit i was reading was on the Dharma (the teachings of the Buddha) and it was touching me someplace i was sorely needing to be touched. religion. i'm a Buddhist, Zen to be specific. there's a story there for another entry. about a year ago i fell from my practice, which was the last thing i should have done. anyway, dave got me thinking about it and my morning started getting even brighter. added to my mood was knowing that jwb was going off on a road trip so he wouldn't be at work.
as i was reading i cranked up the work e-mail program and immediately opened the 'who's online' window to see if he was online. as i looked i saw myself doing it and a few thoughts flashed to me. i just did it out of habit -- i knew he was on the road and wouldn't be there. if i don't want to see him why do i keep looking? how many other related habits do i have that keep me from letting go? silly seth. so i went back to reading, but damn if i didn't go back and check again! and there he was. shit. it was 8 a.m., so it might have been a little early for him to have left. i waited till 10:30 before going in just to make sure he'd have cleared the zone, then started kicking myself for falling into his cat and mouse game. another unconscious habit. shit.
as soon as i got in i dropped my shit in my office and stopped in at CB's office to ask him something. his office is small. there were 4 people sitting in there including him. also sitting in there, chair basically blocking the door, was jwb himself. very shit. except not. i was oddly calm and decided he wasn't going to scare me off, so i stood in the doorway, my crotch about 2' from his face, and my person freshly spritzed with by total coincidence the cologne he had given me. [he gave it to me not because i liked it, but because he did. he said it gave him a bone. so once again all things were in service to him. how come i didn't see that at the time?] feeling emboldened, rather than slither away, i decided i'd push my confidence and get puerile. i stayed, chatted and joked with the other three as if he weren't there. at first he tried to join the conversation, but soon clammed up and just kept looking at my crotch. then i decided to get even more petty by stepping a little closer and leaning on the doorjamb by placing my hand high enough up on it that my sweater sleeve would recede to reveal the tattoo on the inside of my wrist. (we had gotten tatts together to ensure that we'd be stuck with each other for life, come what may.) then his eyes kept going from crotch to tatt and back again. after about 15 minutes i decided to release him from my game, bid adieu to the 3, and left.
childish of me? yeah buddy! what made me feel good wasn't torturing him like that, or that i had given him something to chew on during his 6 hour drive, but that i was not rattled at all inside by seeing him, or standing so close, or reminding him of our like it or not bond. it felt kind of like a milestone for me.
then for some reason things started going downhill. my demon gets royally pissed off when i'm confident and happy and will latch onto anything to pull me back down. it did. a lot. slowly at first. then the old depression luge kicked in and down i went, and any little thing that can be interpreted hurtfully was.
when i left work i went to tanning. bad time. half hour wait. so i went next door for that free dye job. yup. it was worth every penny. now i have a bad dye job to go with my bad haircut. at least this i find amusing. i've never been one to subscribe to the 'if the hair's wrong everything's wrong' school of thought.
i'm gonna have a good, busy, productive day today. that combo always makes me happy.
so do oysters.
Seth
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thinkin' 'bout: Sapporo
Dog(s) keeping me company: to do list
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