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every now and then Pattymelt (whom I adore) notes when she has been 'googled' and the keywords that led the 'peep' (as Dave calls them) to her diary. she's had some interesting searches that pulled her link up! well, i got googled for the first time last night by someone in Australia. the keywords were: pocket pool diaryland. i guess the person knew who s/he was looking for! i feel special, not unlike some olympics.
by the stats i also see there's someone, a student, at Albany, who reads my rag. i so nearly went there! i wound up at Buffalo, though. i miss the wings most of all. :-(
something that may not come out so clearly in this diary is that my life is pervaded by jwb. i don't want it to be, and i'm trying to see where it is that i inflict memory on myself. but just like i never asked for him to court me, i can't ask him to leave now that we're done. very done. i don't want him back. i can't trust him anymore. yet i still care, i'm still interested, i'm still concerned for his well-being, so i still try to keep tabs on him.
for example -- and this is something i'd forgotten -- yesterday morning right after i caught myself the second time checking to see if he were online, my IE icon (in the dock) started doing its bouncy thing to inform me that one of my subscriptions had been updated. i only have 4 subscriptions. 2 are for his website, the other 2 are a couple other d-landers. it was one of his. i thought he'd abandoned both, but this was his main one. near the end of february, same or day after he and i had our last and biggest blow out (over email -- he's too big a coward to face me) was the last update. he dumped the link the the site of the girl he'd been chasing (and wanted rid of him), and replaced it with a 'song' about some PCA chick in Mexico whom he'd been e-harassing (and wanted rid of him). well, yesterday's update was deletion of that 'song'. but no replacement. this in retrospect makes or ought to make me worry about his fascination with my crotch yesterday. i hadn't connected those dots at the time. he hates not 'going with' anyone. i hope he doesn't come back wanting the proverbial 'second chance'.
ok. please refer now to entry title.
his roadtrip was to give a presentation at a little conference. his first presentation ever.
my 'who's online' is still running and there he is, 10 minutes before his presentation was to begin. so i sent a tiny (1k) email. it simply said "knock'm stiff".
i see by the clock he's started and by a program feature that he hasn't opened it. there's still time to yank (i.e. unsend) it.
one thing that got me feeling bad yesterday was that i felt like an asshole. he was nervous about it. i knew that. i offered no support. he had offered me none, even during my cancer tests, so nya nya. but two wrongs...
then again, i don't want to encourage him.
i'm hopeless. leave or retract while i still can? perhaps i should consult my magic 8-ball.
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Have any comments you'd like to share?
[So far 0 smart ass remarks have been made.]
encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thinkin' 'bout: sam light
Dog(s) keeping me company: jwb
Current read: 63