what now?

2004-04-02

5:01 p.m.

what now?

i had the biggest attack of monkey mind this morning. 'monkey mind' is a buddhist expression referring to how thoughts can swing from vine to vine so fast that none is finished and none is looked back on. i wanted to write this morning, but didn't. couldn't. too many thoughts and feelings, all too loud and violent to allow any to be heard, let alone trapped on keyboard. do i have enough distance now from this morning to look back and get anything objective down? likely not. objectivity is not my strongest suit.

perhaps i should just go back in time and ramble, doing my best to stick to a chronological sequence, however vague and rambling.

i can't. there's too much. by too much i mean in my heart. today's been a fucking rollercoaster, except that it hasn't been linear. it's been all over the fucking map.

it's going to be a long entry the next one.

i'm hurting again. i started the day better than ever, but that rug got yanked out from under me today.

how come i can't win?

before i close this bland entry, i should note that i just realized that a couple of the pics i posted last were redundant. oops. here are a couple others to make up for that.