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This is going to be one of those wandering entries.
Mike and I didn't have that talk about plumbing while he was fucking me. I'm not even sure if we were naked at the time, but I think we were. I do remember that he was lying on his back and I was straddling him, grinding my ass against his cock and leaning over him so we could kiss and he could play with my earrings.
Looking back to my date last Saturday, if I had had the chance to pleasure him, I think I would have. We enjoyed each other's company so much and so often seemed to be singing off the same page -- I mean there was never any awkwardness between us -- if our conversation and outlooks were so comfortable, of course I'm led to wonder what kind of sex we might have had. My guess is something akin to the love making JWB and I used to enjoy.
With him (JWB) and me, right from the beginning, right from the first kiss, everything was erotically measured, sensuously executed, perfectly choreographed. Never an awkward moment. Never one. Smooth as silk were we able wordlessly to anticipate each other's moves and desires. We spoke with our bodies, with our getting lost in each other's eyes. As he once wrote to me: "What we have is so beautiful, I am paralyzed and paranoid with fear of losing you. I'm scared that one day I will fuck up one time too many and you will leave me."
That's basically what happened. (And the above quote, BTW, is a cut and paste from an email he'd sent me.)
Back to my date. An amazing man. Inside and out. Falling in love with him would be like falling off a log. Falling in love with JWB took time and persistence on his part. I never fell in love with the LO. I grew to love him, and do, and can't imagine my life without him. He sustains me in many ways. I will never leave him. I don't get it. Still to be explored is that story, but I have to get JWB out of my face before I can get there.
I saw JWB today three times. The first two he scooted past me thinking I didn't notice. My peripheral vision is better than he thinks. That or my ability to sense him is still strong. (I mean like I used to be able to know when he was about to call and would get the phone before it rang.) Well, both times he scurried past (both times obviously taking a REALLY long way around so as to avoid me) and I was able to verify as I watched him recede and slow his pace. The third time I was walking down the hall with one of his peers, a new guy (even taller and lankier than him if you can believe it!). Well, String Bean and I emerged from a room and JWB was sitting on a bench not 25' from us. No one else was in the hall. From the corner of my eye I could see him staring at me with a long, pining face. I suggested to SB we walk back to my office as we continued our animated conversation. As SB and I started to move in his direction, JWB closed his eyes as if what? Snoozing? No doubt he was waiting for SB's (or my) voice to red-shift enough that it was safe to open them. What other thing could he have done to avoid eye contact? Worse yet, given my actual fulfilling of his barked command in that hateful email, how else could he endure another instance of my acting like he wasn't there. Which is what I've been doing, which is what he in that hysterical, irrational fit of an email said.
*I dreamt last night that I encountered him sitting there in that same place and alone in the hall (sans SB) and sat next to him. After a minute or so I said to JWB "I miss him." then got up and moved on.*
Trying to figure out what to say to him, should he speak to me first, has been deviling me. He and I have had such an impact on each other that... well, it's sad. I'm still struggling with a lot of it too. It does, however, give me some comfort to see that he is still struggling as well. We're mutually obsessed, as we always have been.
At least I have reached a point that I can ignore him, make like he isn't even there, and don't look for him or go out of my way to avoid him. He, on the other hand, seems to chart my movements and either goes out of his way to avoid me, or plants himself where he's sure to encounter me. Like today. So he fucks with my head. He fucks with his own even more though.
It remains a mess.
It's such a peculiar situation. I'm so sure he's waiting for me to make contact again. After that hateful email, it ain't gonna happen. And he knows it. Traditionally I'm the one who caves. Not this time. Traditionally I've been his savior and out of tight spots. He always counted on me to rescue him. No more. Now he reaps what he has sown.
Does that mean I don't care anymore? I wish!
OK. So I got on a roll and forgot all the other stuff I was going to write about.
JWB occupies me so much because no one has ever made a bigger dent in me. He was my meteor. Tell you what. I won't be giving my heart out again.
There's nothing of it left.
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Have any comments you'd like to share?
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thinkin' 'bout: martini
Dog(s) keeping me company: missing that one and not wanting this one
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