2004-04-21
2:39 p.m.

outcomes

One thing about going on a road trip is having to come back to a backlog of work. Ick. Today's my don't go in day and I've been pretty productive. Shuffling papers around mostly, which I abhor. Oh well.

Did I mention that when I was with Mike that night I never got an erection let alone have an orgasm? He tried with his hand -- a reach around when he was fucking me -- but no go. He did get me kind of wet. I remember saying that. But that was it. The experience I wanted didn't require my getting off. I wanted to know how it felt to have sex, specifically to do the things JWB and I used to do, with a hottie and completely devoid of any emotional connection.

So I had the experience and learned that sex for sex sake is no longer enjoyable. I still like to ogle, it rumbles something in me, but since JWB Mr. Happy has become Mr. Whatever. The only erections I get since him have pretty much been the naturally occurring ones when REM sleep is interrupted. I'm not sure what that's all about.

Good news and bad news. Maybe. I don't get what the following is all about either. Last night a bit of a miracle occurred. When we went to bed I was exhausted. He (the LO) lay on his back and I sidled up next to him and put my head on his hairy chest. He reached around and held me. I put the flat of my hand on his chest, he placed his on mine then slid it down along his body to a raging stiffy. I cupped his balls and reached behind them to knead the root of his not so long but rather thick cock. I tried to get a kiss, but I wasn't so successful, so I stuck an earlobe on his mouth. He parted his teeth and I clicked my earring between them. Eventually he got the clue and started to tongue it. I made extra strong yummy sounds when he did, then said I really liked it when he did that. Oh. Somewhere along the way there I grabbed some lotion and started stroking his cock. He came, yelling in my ear when he did, then he called me 'earring guy'. I reached behind me to get a cumrag, cleaned him up a little, and that was that. So there's the good news. He's alive and actually paid attention to me! After he came, though, I was once again left to take care of myself, which was easy because I didn't get a bone.

So I'm happy for his quickening, but concerned for my torpidity. It's not that I don't love him. I know I'm his everything. It's not that I don't find him attractive (i.e. do-able).

It's true that JWB and I connect in a mutually visceral, pheremonal way. I scare the shit out of him, or our connection does. That's what he's really running from. As for me, that's why he won't leave me alone -- I mean that in the sense that he haunts and dogs me no matter how little to no contact we have anymore. We connect at a primal, maybe even feral level, if that makes any sense.

My heart was ripped out by the roots, mutilated, and tossed on the side of the road. I'm now learning how it was damaged, what pieces are gone for good, and beginning to see how I'm never going to be whole again, so rather than whine I need to find a way to accept this bleak, painful thing as another part of my landscape. There are other bleak, painful things there, this is just another. Just? No. It's the ugliest. Even uglier than what happened to me as a kid.

That's another story. It's sex related, but not in a happy way.

JWB seems to have taken my sex-drive away from me. I know he's made me skittish and untrusting. I really don't want anyone close to me ever again.

My date last week opened my eyes to a few things as well. Maybe I'll explore them later.

Back to my 'do' list. Maybe another entry later. I soooo want to write something naughty!

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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02

Bones - 2008-09-20

random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09

Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04

Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29

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Thinkin' 'bout: Fosters

Dog(s) keeping me company: gotta pee

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