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So when I got to work first thing the phone rings. It's an old bud of mine who works at the place that jwb went to this weekend. He told me how jwb just kept going on and on about me and (g-rated) times we'd had together and how great I was. It stunned me. The real kicker was when he said, "It's like he's totally in love with you!"
*gulp* I really didn't need to hear that.
No sooner did I hang up that jwb showed up at my door saying he wanted to show me something he'd just gotten off ebay. I took it, looked at it, set it on the corner of my desk, and said "What would we do without ebay? I have work to do." And he split.
No sooner did he split did someone drop by and mention in conversation (why? dunno) that he (jwb) has been boasting that when his contract ends he's off to get ordained in PCA.
My eyes rolled, but the best part of the whole thing was that I remained unfazed through the call, his visit, this news flash. True, his confusion appears stronger than ever, but I really don't need to be fucked with as I'm being. What's to do? Good for me is that I recognize that the guy I grew to admire and love is no more. This one is a closed circuit. Snake charmer and snake. I don't want this one. Yet there's the better angel of my nature that knows this a pendulum swing for him and disaster is in his future. I have to, for my own sake, stop caring about him. Actively anyway. And I do.
Then someone else told me how much he raves about me. I don't need to hear it. It scares me, but damn if I'll yield again. He'll never be gone for me; he must remain a vacant chair. I'll always miss him. The old him. This him one scares me. If he's not sure about me (or himself!) he doesn't need to toy with me. Once again, awareness to the rescue. I see what he's doing (unwittingly, so I can't censure him), but in seeing it I can keep him from sucking me in again.
Now to work with the LO. He isn't unattractive to me, nor I to him. There's a weirdness that needs to be worked through. If he won't talk, I will. We have too much time invested together to let this shit go on.
I'll explain that whole trip later. At the moment I'm pretty tired and am thinking about Philip, the guy I dreamt about last night. What a wet dream!
It must be kingdom comin' in the year of jubelo.
Seth
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thinkin' 'bout: blackberry brandy
Dog(s) keeping me company: fixing what I've got
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