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Looking for doity pitchas? This ain't the entry.
I was doing so well today! I never opened that 'who's on line' thingy. Not once. Wasn't even tempted. The writing I did this morning helped sort a lot out, I mean especially in considering the then guy VS the now guy; ok to miss the former, ok to be creeped out by the latter. And it's about damned time I found a way to reconcile it all.
I say 'reconcile' because my mind has for a long time now said, "eh, what a loser. good riddance. good for a hot fuck but that's it. get over it and move on." Were I so shallow as to consider him only in that way, no prob. But there are so many other intense dynamics in this situation, huge ones, and for each of us, it isn't that simple. NO ONE has ever made such an impact on me, or him. He was a meteor crashing into me. He feels the same in turn, so it's more of a collision of worlds. Each of us would have come to reconciliation a lot faster had we not been exposed to each other every day. I wonder how much easier (and quicker) it would have been if we didn't have to see each other daily. Every time we do it just rips the wound over again. (Those are his words not so long ago uttered.) It's way too fucking complicated and I haven't done it justice. And with all the writing I've done on it, you'd think I have and then some! I don't have all the pieces of the puzzle and need them to put it together. I prefer understanding to 'whatever' denial.
I'm so glad I have this diary, open to anyone who cares to know me and give me consolation and advice. Them I thank for helping me to this point of reconciliation within myself.
There are still some who read it and get pissed off that it isn't a porn site. There are plenty of porn sites. Go there. It's also indicative that these cranks don't identify themselves in their hateful little jeremiads to me. They have such a lock on maturity that they write anonymously. Point in question a gbook submission I just received. Take your empty self elsewhere and pity the fool who thinks you do more than take up space.
FUCK! Why get defensive? Don't like my rag (I hate the word 'blog'. Why? Can't say.), don't read it! It's mine, not for your entertainment, you medieval gnome.
Why do I respond to such immature bullshit?
I'll tell you why. It's because I have been ridiculed, beat up, even gang raped as a kid (another story) by those who have so little esteem for themselves that picking on someone weaker, physically or vulnerably emotionally is easy. Shooting fish in a barrel. The net, chat rooms or d-land, become perfect shooting ranges for those whom society has disenfranchised.
I wandered from my story/point.
I was having a great day. Free and reconciled and all that. Then as I was leaving work, he, knowing where he could catch me alone, guess who. Sometimes it seems (today was obvious) he knows exactly where to be to catch me... alone.
He stood there staring at me with big puppy dog, please speak to me I want to be loved on eyes. Like he used to do to get me to melt (not this time!). I asked if he liked the attachment (the one I'd sent Saturday with the quasi-apologetic note). He nodded and said he did, not breaking from the eye-lock we'd established. I smiled, then he did something evil. He gave me that special toothy grin I'd never seen him give anyone but me. It's a grin that says (or said) 'As soon as I get you alone...' I just looked at him, winked, and walked on. It used to be that that special grin opened the pre-cum tap and my mind reeling. Not today. A little swelling of the cock, but mostly the thought of 'Get away from him.' I suspect he knows/senses that I'm not under his control anymore.
Good.
I'm not.
I sooooo hope he hasn't decided to play a game with me for the few remaining days he has to do it. Somehow, I expect whatever game he wants to play is old and recognizable. The old didn't work today, so what's next? I'm pretty sure he'll move on me like he did today. I think he'll work on me, but wonder if he'll have the balls to pull what he used to do beyond that toothy grin to get his way, meaning his old moves that got me weak every time.
Not this time. If I get him alone, I'll talk about bi-polar disorder, however much I might want to let him deep kiss me to the floor and fuck like minx! Convo, not fuck is what he needs now. He obviously still loves me (like crazy maybe even), and wants my input. I'll give it, but he's got to ask. His puppy eyes can't work anymore.
Dammit. I wanted to write, more display, a very long cavalcade of wankable to me young guys fucking.
Stupid dorkface struck again.
Next time I hope.
Tomorrow no go to work but vineyard! In the meantime I wonder/fear an email.
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thinkin' 'bout: martini
Dog(s) keeping me company: day spoiled
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