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THANK YOU so much all of you who have stuck with me through this ordeal and left me notes of support. Your insights and suggestions have, I believe, helped tremendously to bring me to a place of awareness where I can actually do something, even if all I can do is sway in the wind.
Yesterday morning I was about to do better than just unsubscribe to his webpage, I was going to delete the bookmark. Why bother keeping it around? He hadn't updated it since that fight of ours and it's just one more piece of him hanging around to remind me. But then I got distracted, didn't, and forgot to. Then last night he added that calvinist crap. He picked a bad time to do it too. I was pretty deep in my cups at that point, and that always gets me over-emotional.
This morning lying in bed I realized something. I'm glad I didn't delete the bookmark. Every time he updates it, or sends me an email, he shows/reminds me who he has become, which is someone I want nothing to do with and really am relieved to be rid of. It's wonderful reinforcement, so the bookmark stays.
I also recognized a pattern. Every month or so he has been setting me up to speak to him or initiate contact with him in some way, like yesterday his standing there waiting for me with puppy dog eyes and suggestive grin. Whether I take the bait or not, he freaks out and either sends me a hateful note or runs to jesus or both. So it really doesn't matter what I do or don't say or do. The confusion is his (wanting me and not wanting to want me), he's been setting the rules of engagement all along, and I've been letting him. The way I've been getting jerked around and playing into it, no wonder I've been a mess.
He's going to be fucking with my head until he leaves. Correction. He's going to try. I can't stop his storm, but I can turn my collar up and tough out the time that's left.
I suppose another option is to be mean to him and drive him away. I couldn't do that. Hurt him worse than he already hurts? I couldn't live with myself.
It's understanding and compassion time.
It's also get off my ass, go to tanning, get stuff done at the vineyard that should have been done a week ago, deal with 60 or so backed up emails...
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Have any comments you'd like to share?
[So far 0 smart ass remarks have been made.]
encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
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