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when was it? early january, i think. i was doing a google search to find the exact phrasing for a certain quotation and one of the first links to appear was from a page at some site called 'diaryland'. never heard of it. i got my phrase, then started reading what else was on the page. not too interesting to me. she was an SCAer bitching about how Hildegard thought she made better chainmail than she did and guess who she saw at the Faire (obligatory final 'e' to give it that essential Middle English je ne sais quoi). so there she was, same planet, different world.
what was interesting to me was the idea of getting to peek into other people's worlds. the voyeur in me doesn't necessarily stop at sex. so i surfed around, looking at random diaries. 9 out of 10 seemed to be of gum-snapping 13 year old girls. i persisted shopping, though i knew if i saw OMG, kwel, or u for you one more time i'd barf. i finally did find a good one and started following that person's favs, and their favs, &cet.
the peeping took on a greater significance to me than just fun. i was learning about lives that i never lived and will never, other people's joys and sorrows. it gave me perspective on my own life. i mean to say a place to stand to get a better view of my own life. it's hard to see the box you're in when you're standing inside it. diaries are interesting and thought provoking, but the notes and guestbooks are too.
obviously i joined the fray.
yesterday was another hurting day, so i scooted around looking for a standing place. many people updated yesterday as well.
love and sex were big themes in my readings yesterday, or maybe it only seemed that way since that's what was on my mind. well, anyway, one person felt bad about himself (or seemed to) for a hot trick over the weekend. the situation as explained was really a turn on for me. it got me thinking, though, about how sex for sex's sake has no appeal to me anymore. i don't know if it ever will again. JWB basically ruined it for me, if blind carnal sex is a good thing that can be 'ruined'. i'd had more horny sex than i can count. many of them i never learned their names. didn't matter. with him i made love for the first time in my life. when sex becomes a mode of expression, heart, not hormone driven, the whole thing changes.
by coincidence i went from that diary to one where a guy was kvetching about guys who liked to cuddle and stuff after sex. my feelings were like his until you know who came into my life, then the afterglow was the best part!
there were some other things i read, but i don't feel like talking about them right now. they disturbed me.
an observation i have seen in many people's diaries is how they sometimes have to remind themselves that they are writing for themselves, not solely for the entertainment of others. as for me and my diary, i feel that way too sometimes and the purpose begins to drift.
if i write a lot about JWB, there's a reason. there are tons of other things i could be writing about, and sometimes i do. yes, he's a big part of my life. he has been for better than a couple years at this point. but he isn't all of it. the distinction with him is that no one has ever has a bigger impact on me and no one knew of our relationship or knows now except for the few he told to get himself out of trouble and shift blame. that leaves me bleeding internally with no vent. this is my vent.
my battle with powdery mildew at the vineyard is a topic i could write on, but not something i feel a need to confide in secret.
i started writing shit out after my breakdown. (Labor Day of '99 i hanged myself and was cut down before the job was done.) writing helps because my thoughts move too fast. i'm forced to slow down and see redundancies, circular logic, and such when i write. but until i started this diary -- actually the other one that i've abandoned -- i played Penelope with everything i wrote. this way i can still write but don't feel like i'm shouting down a well so much.
there's other stuff i'd like to write, but this is getting me down.
for a change of topic, here's a picture of a mandolin someone wanted me to buy for him.
how's that for a non sequitur?
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
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