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Often the notes of support that I've received (the condemnatory ones too) suggest that there's something I never made clear.
Acceptance that the relationship is over is not an issue. Not only that, I don't want him back and wouldn't take him even if he came to me on his knees. I had those two things settled not long after the break up.
The issues lie in regret, hurt, concern, and confusion, all drawn out and exacerbated by what I wrote about in the entry before this.
Catharsis and understanding are what I want and need in order to move on. I've had one hell of a lot of the former, especially lately. The latter has been slow in coming. Today has been one giant step forward.
A few other things of note:
The biggest stressors in life are divorce, death, and Christmas. I had two out of three happen simultaneously. Of course I got strung out. He did too. I struggle to understand. He struggles to hide and deny.
Another thing is that I'm not your average bear. I have a very intense, addictive personality. Being bi-polar probably has a lot to do with that. It certainly doesn't help anyway. JWB is another one.
The relationship he and I had was the weirdest critter ever known to man. Even we referred to it as 'bizarre'. Actually, we had many relationships happening at the same time, mostly, I think, because of our age difference. We were far more than simply lovers.
As for my entries lately, throw into the mix that I had a new med added to my daily doses and that always fucks my head up until I get used to them. (If you've ever taken meds for depression (like SSRIs for example), you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Merde. This is longer than I intended. Oh well.
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Have any comments you'd like to share?
[So far 0 smart ass remarks have been made.]
encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thinkin' 'bout: Sam Adams
Dog(s) keeping me company: not working on the do list
Current read: 38