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Amazing. Utter fuckingly amazing. Tanner's going to drive me (further) out of my mind.
I wish I could gather my wits well enough to explain what I mean by that. There's so much story behind it! I mean that as in episodes that I should have been entering here as they've gone by but haven't been. I miss my diary, I miss you guys. Here I have a place to air and share, and 'anonymous' who give me pep talks and bitch slaps as needed.
He's not my 'type'. I don't want to 'have sex' with him... I want to make love to him. I think of him way too way too often when I masturbate. I don't fantasize about jumping his bones, getting my rocks, then showing him the door. My thoughts turn toward holding him, kissing him, spooning up and us dry humping, occasionally I imagine licking and sucking his balls, the sensation of him shooting into mouth, how tangy his cum is. A few times I've thought about him fucking me. Those wanks were out of this world!
To my face he looks either ga-ga or scared shitless. At the age of nearly 21 he's a virgin. That's by his own 'confession'. The furthest he's been according to him has been with a girl (an opportunity according to him) whom he dated last winter. It was an attempt to straighten up. Well, the furthest he's been was with her. It consisted of "kissing with some dry-humping, both were topless". That was the only instance. That quote is from an IM. He has a hard time talking face to face. Chat he can deal with, until it gets too personal, then suddenly it's a 'gotta go' and sudden sign off. In email he ignores or gets really mean.
He warms up, scoots close, lets me closer to his heart, then when I respond, he freaks, runs, and slams the door in my face. That's happened too many times. The most recent being an hour ago.
How cum me bee so stoopid?
The dude is obviously a mess, and totally in love with me, and he can't deal with it, and not just that I'm twice his age. From what little of his heart he's shared with me, he's scared of anyone who loves him, and so it seems, even more scared of loving anyone else.
So dumb ass Seth gets attached to such a cute young critter. But it ain't his 'cuteness' that draws me. I'm not interested in his bod. Check the last entry for a pic of what knocks starch into my cock. I'm interested in closeness with him (Tanner). Does that make sense to anyone out there?
Well, I'm pooped, so I'll close now. I do love my Tanner. I love him in many many ways. His cycles of come hither and snatch this pebble from my hand alternating with running like hell when I actually try to have come to an end.
My issues become more and more transparent.
Ugh.
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
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