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Brian never turned up that Sunday. Didn't text, call, email, smoke-signal... Nada. Damn if I'd chase after to ask! It was his old game, how he used to -- and I used to let him -- manipulate me. It wasn't working. He ignored me at work. OK by me. I left him to speak first, which he didn't. He was waiting for me to... to boo-hoo beg, actually. Nope. A few days later he was coming into my office with more sudden nostalgia. I reacted in kind (i.e. chipperly), but as I'd been leaving him to initiate talk, even 'good morning', I left him to finish convos. I hadn't been pissy or get drama queen. That's what he had been doing though, no doubt largely out of frustration at my not taking the bait anymore.
We were each (as opposed to both) going to take the week of Thanksgiving off for vacation. The Thursday he came up strong in as-if-nothing mode. I followed suit lest I come off as the asshole. To be honest, it felt good, like coming home, like getting a long needed chance to exhale. Each time we caught eyes we held them, not in lock, but in a melty 'I so fuckin' miss you' way. Then he vanished again into silent treatment. The following week he was dead silent. So was I. He broke, he fix, however much both hurt.
After vacation the silent treatment continued for a few days until he needed something. Either he really did or it was a ploy. Out of the blue he sent an email asking to borrow something. It was a test that I failed. Well, I followed habit, and even watched myself doing it. As usual he asks and Seth springs above and beyond the call of duty. Next morning he darkened my doorstep with his old "well?" expression. And I as old times produced a new one for him, brand new, still in wrapper, and said, "Keep it. I have others." His response was, "This oughta work." And off he walked without a word of thanks or anything close... and went back to ignoring me as if a ghost as before.
I waited for any expression of gratitude, but no. He'd fallen into old pattern, as apparently had I. I saw that finally, that he took me for granted still, and I was still dumb enough to let myself be. I was dependable when no one else in his life was. I was like a vending machine to him. NO more. I have wants and needs too. I can't blame him too much, though. He should have had a clue about common courtesy, but looking back I see how I taught him to think and believe I'm a free dispenser of all his needs. I taught him many good things, but some bad things along the way when I wasn't paying attention.
After 6-7 weeks of dead silence from him, the other day I got yet another (cowardly, prodding) text from him for another get together... a private one. My head was spinning. What now? Cave like I used to and satisfy his every whim? Naw. No more. I don't have to be asshole about it, but I have whims and feelings of my own that I've ignored for 3 years. HE broke our relationship, now HE can fix it. Nearly 2 months ago he made a move to reconciliate but chickened out without a word, neither of explanation or apology. Well, I felt I'd be the asshole if I didn't give him yet another chance. I'd also be an asshole if I sold myself out again. So I'll call the shots this time, but won't be bossy. Does that make sense?
I wasn't sure what to do. I consulted my handy oracle (a magic 8-ball) and it said ASK AGAIN LATER...
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thinkin' 'bout: Tanner's tight tush
Dog(s) keeping me company: they're all in the kitchen awaiting second breakfast
Current read: Annales by Tacitus