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as i was going down the stair
i met a man who wasn't there
he wasn't there again today
i wish i wish he'd go away
i walked into my building today and guess who was going up the stairs (alone)? he didn't see me.
an hour later guess who i wound up following down the (semi-crowded) hall? he stopped to talk to some wholesomely dressed christian girl who applies her make up with a trowel. we caught eyes. he ignored me and i returned the favor.
not long after i saw him taking the long way around to get where he was going in an obvious bid not to run into me. he didn't see me.
then the crowning event. this afternoon i was going down an empty staircase and guess who was coming up it? he must have been, once again, going out of his way to avoid me. we caught eyes only fast enough to say that we did. as we were about to pass he made some feeble gesture of a wave and pronounced an embarrassed 'hey'. i made like he wasn't there and passed by as if i were alone on the staircase. i also held my breath as i passed him so i wouldn't accidentally catch his scent. his voice, his scent, his face, his touch, (and gods forefend his taste!) still strike me deeply. i don't dare engage. i'd cave.
i didn't feel all panicky. i felt rattled. i also felt like i'd acted like an asshole. but then i caught myself taking the fall again. that last hateful email he sent me last month was a real turning point for me. he showed who he has become, and for once i could admit with conviction to myself that i didn't deserve that treatment.
that email he sent was way out of control. he accused me of shit that i never wrote in it among other things, and what i did say that he reacted to was twisted WAY the fuck out of proportion. he ended that e-rag saying he had "had it" and wanted no contact with me whatsoever, even going so far as to say he didn't even want me to acknowledge receipt of it.
so what's this bullshit now? will he please make up his so called mind?
then today (after catching myself beating myself up), i remembered something else he'd written in that poison note. namely what he ended it with. i can't remember it verbatim, but i can come pretty close. it went: "do not contact me in any way. you have abused that privilege. do not speak to me. do not email me. i don't want to read anything you have to say. you can still say hey to me if you want in passing. i may or may not respond."
when i first read that i felt terrible. i took blame for everything. i deserved to have wings clipped this way. after all, he chased me for a long time. he got what he wanted then started getting me to buy him shit, all the while lying to me about this, that, and the other. i learned about that shit after the fact. unless he was lying to my 'sources' as well.
the arrogance of what he wrote really struck me today. i looked back. i gave him everything he wanted in every way imaginable. i never told him i loved him that i didn't mean it. i showed belief and trust in all things as i never had anyone before. he got what he wanted, the way he wanted it, when he wanted. the opposite was not always true. and today i caught myself playing (if that's what you want to call it) on his terms. still!!!
and he says I abused privilege?!!!! WTF?! Who the hell is he?!
who's doing whom the favor? who ever did whom any favor? how dare he!
that's a real fever breaker for me. i mean just to be able to say i was always there for him and see how he was always there for me, but i and my needs were always at his convenience. that, after all, is why i let him go in the first place!
how come seth be so fucking stupid?
all i can think is that the guy i miss is the guy he made me think he was. even if i miss a phantom, the pain is as if he were real. i was a manifestation (and victim) of his fucked-up-ness. anyway, my pain is real. you can lay money down on that. i've never hurt so bad. then again i've never loved or trusted or believed in anyone as much as i did him. i desperately want to believe that i saw him, a beautiful him. and i want to believe that that beautiful him that i saw was in a tear i wiped and kissed from his eye that day. this really happened.
he wants this break up on his terms. fine. how 'bouts he stop changing the terms?
my turn to say i've 'had it' with him. long time overdue!
sure, i can say it. i can apply logic and all that happy horseshit, but he, or who he made me think he was, has a full-nelson on my heart. i cried uncle 14 months ago. 14 months ago today as a matter of fact!
i haven't spoken my mind/heart to him lately. after what he'd written me i can't see the point. i may have to bang a scenario out on the keyboard just to get it out of my system.
not that i'm counting, but in 11 weeks he'll be gone. not for good. return visits are always possible. and he has my email. unfortunately behind a keyboard is the only place he has the balls to be hateful. i've written of his balls before. small enough to take both in my mouth without effort. he liked that (when i took them, not why i could). wanna see the email he wrote me about how much he liked it when i did that?
i'm sorry i didn't get to continue my writing on 'watching'. i will. last night and today have been extra-ordinary. i'm hurting and confused again, but the end game is clearer than ever. he still takes me and my capitulation for granted.
NOT.
Seth, who has a fine set of balls and is finally hauling them out.
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
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