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last night wasn't so bad. i read in my book for a bit, turned out the light, and was asleep before i had a chance to think about anything whatsoever. i remembered no dreams this morning. that's for the best. i've been having either bad ones or disturbingly weird ones ever since i started these meds about five years ago.
for the past few days i've been checking who's online to see if JWB is. i've been doing that for well over a year now. back in the day when i saw him on, i'd send a little email that said "love you" and nothing else. sometimes he'd beat me to it. i miss that. oops, i digressed. my point in bringing up checking the who's online thing is that for the last few days i can see myself doing it out of sheer habit, almost out of obligation.
seeing his name causes no visceral reaction anymore. when we were together the reaction was warm and fuzzy, even with a little thickening down there at times. after the betrayal the sight of his name, either part of it, hearing other's use turns of phrase he used to, certain foods, bits of furniture or places we had made love or just held each other, any four door white car, in short, anything associated with him, which was/is virtually everything, made me shake with nausea out fear, regret, sadness, despair, nearly every bad emotion you can think of. but never anger or hate. still not. the peaks and troughs are fairly well leveling off. finally!
i think 3 things have brought me here. first, being able to vent all this emotional turmoil within me via my other and this diary. i've had very little feedback/support on the matter, but what i have had has been very good. quality trumps quantity every time! second, for the past week or so i have been composing in my mind a submission to the public diary unsentletter. i'll write it yet, and when i do, i'll post a link for those interested in my saga. no pics there guaranteed. i finally have enough distance to get some sort of objective place to stand and evaluate him emotionally, what he did and didn't do, and how much of and what i saw but chose to ignore.
which reminds me, i finally got my stats-pages fixed and working. guess which has been the most visited page? the one titled 'pics fest'. you nasty people! have you no sense of community standards?! (obviously i'm even nastier being the one who put them up!)
the third thing that has helped free me has been seeking out and posting pics of skinny dudes that remind me of him. for some reason doing the compare contrast thing is helping me see everything he was and wasn't physically. he's gotten even scrawnier since july, either that or i'm beginning to see who he was the whole time.
whereas pics of skinny dudes has some miraculous healing property on my battered heart. behold some skinny dudes!
more later...
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
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