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This morning I awoke with a huge hard-on, did the old hump the fist, dozed off woke up with another huge hard-on, humped again, dozed off, and woke up with yet a third! What's up with me? (yeah, I know,..)
My morning haunt was concern for his future because something else I had been told yesterday finally registered. It seems that one evening on his trip last week as he was praising and talking about me enough to give the impression that he was in love with me, he was also talking about how he was an extremely conservative fundamentalist christian and his new career goal was to become an ordained calvinist minister -- it doesn't get any more scary conservative than that! Now he also wants to pierce his ears for plugs and get another tattoo. (He already has 4, one a cross and the others pagan, one of which is large, which he insisted I draw for him (and wound up paying 3-digits for)). So over the course of his incessant talking (which was peppered with swear words) he downed an entire six-pack all by himself. See any conflicts there? As my friend summed him up: "The dude is whacked. Steer clear of this one." My unspoken response was "No shit."
Anyway, I started going over his history, charting his pendulum swings, looking for a pattern. I saw one alright. My own. Then I went over the LO's history and there were some parallels there too.
So I got wondering if anyone else out there has seen anything similar, gay, bi, or straight for that matter, but I think it's probably a MOTSS issue.
I'll tell a few short stories and let you connect the dots for yourselves.
JWB grew up in a southern baptist home -- no drinking, swearing, smoking, or dancing. His senior year in high school saw him rebel and become danger-slut. Drugs, booze, whoring around with guys as well as girls. He had a breakdown, then went to college where he immediately fell in with some really hard-shell baptists. Fall of his sophomore year was when he met me and started courting me, erratically at first. By spring of his junior year he was becoming a bit of a pest. All that time he constantly had to have a girlfriend, a girl to hang on his arm. While we were together as far as that goes, and he was tricking on them as well! During his senior year he was obviously head over heels for me and persisted till I fell for him too. This summer he had his latest breakdown when I broke up with him (for the 3rd time) and suddenly became an ultra-fundamentalist. Now he's professing both being in love with another man and this over the top religion shit. He's about to turn 23.
Seth grew up in a culturally Catholic family, meaning lots of kitch and lipservice, but no mass going. In high school I started going to mass, praying the rosary. Then college. My freshman year I was danger-slut. Drugs, booze, couldn't tell you how many tricks, girls and guys, but mostly guys. Then I had a breakdown and had to leave school early. On return I always had to have a girlfriend. In two years I think I went through 6, maybe 7. Was even engaged to 2! My goal was to force myself to be straight. Any lie, given enough repetition, can become a perceived and accepted truth. I figured if I lived the lie long enough I could 'turn'. Then my senior year I fell in love. My first love. He was 'straight', even if he's the one who came onto me! We were fuck buddies at first, or played on being. Near the end of our senior year our emotional relationship had started getting too entangled in our butt-buddy relationship and he split. I mean split. I woke up to find him and most of his stuff gone and a note that just said: "I love you too much. I can't take it anymore." I had a breakdown, contemplated suicide, and went into mourning for 2.5 years, during which time I went back to the church, and continued to contemplate suicide. I was 24 when I met the LO pretty much by accident. We got along well. He had a huge crush on me. I enjoyed the attention and let him. Another breakdown came. Then another. More on all that later. Clinical depression sucks so bad I can't even begin.
The LO grew up in a nice vanilla, suburban, methodist home. He always had crushes on other boys, but never associated it with being gay. He didn't have a sexual experience till he was a junior in college. He and a girl got drunk and found a place to get it on. There was touching and oral, but he never got to fuck her. She passed out. In his senior year he acknowledged himself for who he was. He went out with one guy for a month or so, then there were a couple others (lasting not more than a week or two), then he had a dry spell and met me.
The pattern pendulum swings between jwb and me are scary, but he seems so much more intense than I was. By what factor? I'd say along the lines of 10. His arcs are so huge! 180 switches like that are red flags. I'd think so anyway. He seems in mid-swing. His swings are so much more extreme than mine. I worry for him, but at the same time can't forgive what he did, but the same time know that's his nature and that there's nothing I can do about it. On top of that is the fact that I'm too fragile myself to be able to work with, let alone deal with him effectively.
I didn't mean to head off in that direction. I meant to ask if anyone else has had or seen this pattern of denial, efforts to change, periods of breakdowns, and such.
Plenty of coming out/coming to grips stories around. But any parallel experiences?
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Have any comments you'd like to share?
[So far 0 smart ass remarks have been made.]
encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thinkin' 'bout: chianti
Dog(s) keeping me company: something missing
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