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a few folks have listened to my mourning, rending of garments, and such over my loss (JWB). i am grateful to them for their words of wisdom and comfort.
e-nymph sent me a note today that i cannot not share. she offered me what i need, or what i will need to move on. no, strike that. not 'move on'. that sounds like abandonment. i can't lose him. he's part of me now, as i am of him, wherever he chooses to run to try to hide. my effort, my goal, is to embrace him in my heart regardless, but accept that he is no longer he, as in the guy i grew to care for more deeply than anyone before. at any rate, here's a snippet from her personal email to me:
"when love ends, that deep type of soul scaring love it takes as much as it gives. at some point he'll no longer hate himself for loving another man- that's the real point, not that he can't love you. that he can't come to terms with it, or at least that's how it seems to me.
"someday, you will be his greatest love....in memory as much as you were in flesh."
i take so much comfort in this, even though it presages a broken heart in a way for him for the rest of his life. i am, after all, his first love. he'd messed around with guys before. he used to fuck, in his words, "any bitch that spread, cunt or ass." (it always pissed me off when he got misogynistic like that. sometimes i'd call him on it, other times, for various reasons, not.)
he always had to have "someone he was dating", quotes because he'd never in a thousand years allow the word "girlfriend" escape the barrier of his teeth. what he needed/wanted was an ornament for his right arm. something that proved once and for all to all the world that he was straight as an arrow, just as his southern baptist upbringing DEMANDED that he be.
but he fell in love with me. not my imagination. would that i had a nickel for every time he said "i love you", across a room, face to face, while making love, email, AIM, mouthing it when others were around. he'd even mouth it when we were alone doing stuff together when no mouthing was necessary. the way he looked at me, in public or alone, how he touched me, in public or alone. the guy was crazy for me. not my imagination.
at work he'd come see me in my office. walk in with nothing to say. he'd just stare at me. i had to initiate and drive the conversation. when he got nervous enough he suddenly have to go. at first i thought him a skanky, weird pain in the ass. he had the savvy, though, innate survival savvy i suspect, to be able to monitor and adjust to meet his goals.
he wormed his way into my professional life, then personal. he knew everything about me. how? i don't know. he knew shit that i thought very few knew. his research had been thorough, and it must have taken a lot of effort to find all the shit he did.
it took a bit over a year and a half before i caved, before he made me cave. he was persistent. i was who he wanted. then he got me. enjoyed me for a bit, found me more than he expected, fell from infatuation to love, then panicked. after all, mind, heart, emotions were all in order, intense order. all worked except that rather than a twat i had a dick. he still wants dick. not in exclusion to cunny, but his desires lean there as well. and now, my being his first love, he's in trouble.
this is getting intense for me, so i gotta break.
i couldn't end this without at least one more pic, now could i? at this point i need a diversion myself!
this guy is on the scrawny side, but pretty damn edible. i like the goat in particular. from the way he's holding his cock you can tell he's doing the old push up and in on the root and it will grow to unreal proportions porn trick. still, if that were really the size, and if some meat could get put on those bones, he'd certainly be what's for dinner! but then outie. ciao baby, call you, mean it, whatever.
later guys. it's 'date night'. to borrow from Dorothy Parker, my idol, what fresh hell will this be?
seth
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
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