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The following is a note and response from me to the reader who thought to write me. There's a lot of JWB shit, but ultimately a lot of LO shit.
Dirty pictures and salacious writing will be coming soon. This is not one of those entries. (So scoot along if you're looking for naughty. Not this time.)
Can you believe I have gotten a couple complaints when my entries are emotional and not salacious? Who the fuck do they think I am? A porn machine? My diary gets erotic as circumstances suggest. At the moment my heart is in crisis. Pardon me for being human. Fuck them. Pity they have no heart or consciousness.
The letter and my responses:
Thank you so much for having taken the time to reflect and share your thoughts. I has really helped me see things, validate some suspicions, and recognize some questions that I need to consider. I'm tempted to cut and paste (you remaining anonymous of course) what you wrote and my responses. There's stuff that will no doubt be redundant in an upcoming entry.
On Apr 21, 2004, at 6:42 PM, X wrote:
JWB is still having strong feelings for you, just like
you are for him. That's why he wrote the letter. I
guess the fact that he's not over you is pissing him
off. And even ugly communication is still
communication, right? Same reason he plants himself
where he will see you, not to mess with you, but
because he wants to see you.
Yes, ugly communication is still communication. I'd rather not have that kind of communication. It alienates me, but that's a good thing in the end. It helps me see who he is now. If he were a dog he'd be classed as a "fear-biter". I don't want to be bitten. I don't deserve it. That's why I don't go near him. I don't go out of my way to avoid or encounter him. He knows where I'll be when. I don't think he plants himself there so he can mess with me. He may just want to see me (because he misses me?), but more than that I think he may because he wants to create opportunities for me to approach him.
Come to think of it, it's like a few years ago when he started crushing on me. He'd just turn up at my office for absolutely no reason. He didn't even try to fabricate an excuse; he more often than not just stood there waiting for me to start a convo. Looking back now I can see how 9 times out of 10 (or more!) -- and I'm talking about during our relationship -- he would create an opportunity for me to initiate something. He always made his needs/desires known to me, but obliquely, without saying it outright or asking, then wait for me to act on satisfying them. Which I always slavishly did. His hints were sometimes/often about as subtle as a flying mallet. When I tried to do the same to him, it was usually ignored as if nothing was said. Topic abruptly changed. When I'd get irritated by that, before I had a chance to say anything, he'd surprise me with a sweet little email, or dashing into my office, shutting the door, kissing me, and dashing right back out. He kept my head spinning even then.
Well, perhaps he's doing the set up again. I'm sorely tempted sometimes, but less and less so as time goes by, basically because I can see so clearly -- especially now since your note -- how I'd be playing right back into that old game of his. No, I won't. This probably is pissing him off as well. Manipulating me used to be so easy. (Yeah, I know, he still is in a way. But he doesn't know that and won't.)
I don't think he wants anything you can give him. He
needs to figure things out for himself. He's torn
between wanting you and not wanting to want you. He
has to resolve that for himself. Plus it sounds like
his religion is pretty miserable, not only is he not
allowed to love another man, but I'm not sure he's
allowed to like anything at all. But that is HIS
CHOICE.
I'm torn likewise, but less and less each day. I miss who he was, not the mean-spirited, irrational coward he has become. I don't want that. His religion is as thoughtless and hateful as they come. He has turned 180 from all the qualities that charmed me in the first place. This religion justifies, even praises his total turn around. It is his choice, albeit a misguided one. I want to help him mellow, diminish the swings. I can't help him. Now especially. Now I can only make things worse for him. Another reason to ignore him and leave him be. Besides, my own battle with depression makes me not the best choice to help anyone. He'd be leaning on a weeble.
This is all about him. There's nothing you can do to
help him. I think you could help yourself by accepting
that you and he are not going to be together and
trying to move past that rather than being hurt every
day by his absence.
Here is where things take a turn for the weird -- illustrative may be a better word. Sometime soon after about a couple months together we had a difficult pillow talk in which we both recognized that our relationship was ultimately doomed (for various reasons) and how much we pre-hurt to foresee its inevitable end. He used to cling to me and cry in fear of the day. I clung back, so I guess it wasn't clinging. Mutual clinging is called 'embrace', isn't it? Neither of us foresaw it happening this way. The whole thing was an accident, falling in love, breaking up, and now. Neither asked for any of it. It happened. All of it. There were no planned or calculated moves on either part. He was all about me. I was adrift and ripe for plucking. Now each of us hates what's happening. He found a place to hide. I haven't.
For an unpleasant metaphor, he was hooked, yanked, and now resides in a cooler. I've been beached and left to rot on shore.
Sounds to me like LO wasn't paying attention to you,
he was telling you to pay attention to him. I haven't
read your whole diary yet, but I really don't get
what's keeping you with LO. And I don't get the whole
concept of being committed to him yet sleeping around.
Does he do that too? Is that something you both have
agreed to? It sounds like you think you are the
problem in the relationship, and it's your job to
correct it. You are part of the problem, but he's
definitely a problem, too. He won't kiss you? He won't
have sex with you? Even when you get him off, he won't
return the favor?? Definitely something going on
there.
This is a huge matter ought to be its own entry. The LO and I met when we were 24. He'd never had a boyfriend. He figured himself out at age 20 and had sex with 3 guys and 1 girl (sort of). I had sown oats like the satyr that I am. I could count the number of girlfriends, to 2 of whom I actually proposed (in a bid to lead a 'straight' life), but I can't even begin to count the number of guys I tricked with. Only 5 guys have ever fucked me. First was Dennis, my first love. Then John, who I wanted to come to care for but was still too devastated about Dennis, then the LO a few times early in our relationship, then JWB, then Mike. With Dennis it was lust turned to love. John was... a whatever. The LO was because I wanted him to and he was frantic to do whatever I wanted, but that faded as he became engrossed in his new work, and wouldn't come to bed until he was too bleary to continue his work. I could be counted on to be there. He needn't worry about me.
About 8 years ago he started getting complacent with my being around and focused entirely on his work. I became furniture. I said nothing. I should have. I was virtually on my own. It's not that we'd stopped loving each other, it's that he was busy and I got taken for granted.
Three years after that JWB started courting me. I pushed him away for a couple years then caved. He turned out to be more than I expected, not just in outward ways, but more importantly at deep, pheremonal ways. We connected not just emotionally, intellectually, and physically, but 'physically' in more than just the sexual sense. We primally craved each other's presence. I can't explain it. We craved each other's scent. I'd never known such a thing. Nor had he. Nor, I guess, will he ever again. We were both mystified by the phenomenon. THAT, I think is mostly what's to blame for us having the time we're having. I've never had such a connection and never will again. My heart is freshly, but permanently scarred. This is what I'm not healing through so well.
Now I'm back where I started, except having seen the city I'm back in the country. I'd only been to the city once. The city wants and doesn't want me at the same time. It hurts.
Meanwhile, back on the ranch, things have very recently begun to change. He, the LO, had at work been on an annual, provisional contract. Now, at long last, you could say he's a partner finally and that pall of anxiety has passed. he's suddenly becoming a person I've not met yet. I mean a totally different person. So there's hope. Good hope. We'll see who he is, and who I am, or what's left of me to be.
Then there's my condition and all the fucking psychotropics I'm on. Every day is a winding road.
'Sleeping around'? I wouldn't say that. JWB hit me at a vulnerable time. In understatement, he was also special. Mike was an effort to break the spell of love making with him and see what I was and wasn't missing. It pretty much worked.
The whole thing is a fucking complicated mess.
But the light at the end of the tunnel is hopeful, not an on coming train.
Thank you, A, for giving a shit (and 'kind of liking' me)
Another reader wrote me as I was finishing this. He, as always, is wise. I need to respond to him.
It's so good to have someplace to vent where there is feedback. I have no place to vent. This is all I have.
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thinkin' 'bout: martini
Dog(s) keeping me company: too confused to dwell
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