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I've finally quietly closed the book on Tanner, and finally this time my heart and mind are in concert on the matter. In a few months I will run no risk of running into him anymore. That will be good. I keep my eyes on June.
Last week was so odd, maybe because of the corner I turned emotionally Saturday before last. An epiphany was had and I guess like good ole Charlie said, "The scales fell from my eyes." I learned a lot about myself and mulled it all week as best I could during a blizzard of work related shit.
I had decided to spend that Tanner and me anniversary day power-mourning, which entailed pulling every together that was from or related to him, clothes, cards, notes, gewgaws, movies, music, everything I could into a pile and sitting and staring at it, drinking myself silly, talking to it and him (in absentia clearly), reminiscing, going back over our years, the day we met, how hard and in what ways he tried so hard and so long to win my confidence and affection, how he treated me once he did, how blind I'd become to his faults when I got into that 'my bud can do no wrong' mode, how I'm always been there and supported him when I knew I shouldn't be, even when I watched him rehearsing the same patterns of abuse with people to satisfy his frantic need to be "in a relationship". I was sad for all those he had charmed, gotten what he wanted/needed, then ditched, usually by giving them an evasive quasi-, then total silent treatment until they got the clue. I tried each time to persuade him not to treat people that, and nearly did, then WHAM! I never saw it coming that he'd do to me like he'd done to so many others. That was my epiphany. I was a macro version of all those micro cycles. I was always there... but only how and when he wanted/needed me. I suddenly saw how much I'd tolerated and shouldn't have. Did he abuse all his friends like he did me? Everything had to be what and when and where and how he wanted, and I'd damn well better drop everything to attend to him. Any question, need, or request of mine was either ignored or barked at. Whenever he sensed he was losing me he got all nice and lovey dovey. Of course I always acquiesced. I was such a believer in the better angel of his nature. I brought on myself. He'd been pretty spoiled all his life and I did nothing but throw gas on the fire. What self-justifications he's concocted for kicking me in the teeth so out of the blue must be humdingers. He's only broken silence a few times since ending our friendship, and it's basically been to ask for something, which I immediately supplied, for which nary a word of thanks. NOT ONE. In fact, in one instance he blew up in my face (over a keyboard as usual) over the way I'd fulfilled his request. Amazing. In another instance he wrote asking if I had a certain gizmo, then was at my door the next morning with his hand out. I didn't lend, I gave, brand new fresh in wrapper. His response was, "This oughtta do." That's it. A strange way to express gratitude. Last week I thought I'd offer one more olive branch. I heard of something totally up his alley and sent him it. I know he got it. Response? Nihil. I finish trying now. He's off down his own path now. I don't wish him ill, but I don't wish him well either. That shames me, but there it is. We're historical at this point. He had been scared of his own shadow. I played my role in getting him from crayons to perfume. I might not like him at the moment, but I'll always love him. The friendship ring he gave me hasn't come off since he put it on me and it never will. How he feels now I have no idea. He's always been inscrutable. However he acts or whatever he does has rarely had anything to do with the reality of his emotions. Now he shows such conceit and self-righteousness that I don't know him anymore, and don't want to. Someone else must be puffing his ego balloon quite full of the hot air he appears to require. Well, may the gods help him/her. Of course I still love him, always will, but damn if I don't want some sort of apology, which I'll never get. Apologies or even compliments he doesn't deliver unless in wheedle mode.
Lessons learned? My knee jerk one is to beware of wolves in sheep's clothing. I'd learned that lesson long ago and have been beyond skittish all my life. So why did I set myself up? All is right as rain in my life, so is it some twisted pining for emotional abuse? I know better than to let anyone into my heart or offer unconditional love. Only in retrospect can I see how abusive, how toxic our relationship, and what a tool I was... that I let myself be, even aided and abetted. Sometimes I cringe to think how much of it I brought on myself. Were we ever best friends? Pfff. Maybe he thought something else was going on. There is a fox and the grapes quality about it all. Open, honest communication was never his forte and he won't speak to me anymore, so I guess I'll never know.
Whatever the wreck, he has moved on. Now I must. I have many beautiful memories as well as ugly ones. No sense in dwelling on the latter when I could cherish the former.
In other news last Tuesday Fred came over to talk about some deeply personal stuff. There was a lot of talk about the nature of sexuality. It would all be so much easier if he were a troll. But he ain't. He's trim, buff, a deliciously masculine. He also has boxcars full of baggage. He's straight, but the way he jokes and flirts sometimes makes me wonder just what the curiosity factor is and if he's baiting me to do something about it. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Part of me wants to develop a closer friendship, but part of me doesn't want to let anyone get close to me, certainly not if there's a potential for complications. He might be leaving for Iraq soon and I find myself getting nervous about that, which is a clear sign that I've already formed an attachment of sorts to him. I just lost my best friend, which leaves a void, which has potential for some sort of rebound effect. Well, he wants us to go together get our nipples pierced soon. Nothing homoerotic about that! (And then there's the fact that he stumbled over shirtless late morning one day last summer, cried all over me about various things, told me he was drawn to me,.. well, that's another topic for a prose entry.)
Meanwhile I have this stupid MS due today and I couldn't see how that was gonna happen. As fate would have it my editor wrote me unbidden offering me a week's extension. Woo-hoo!
~Seth.
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thinkin' 'bout: my fresh ability to think of tanner without cringing
Dog(s) keeping me company: tarq
Current read: Daniel (OT), and Tacitus Annales