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ugh. ya know, i was going to write an entry about JWB soon to get some opinions from you guys. i thought it might help me sort my shit out to get some input. that soon has been pushed to now.
i didn�t go to work today. stayed home and wanted to do taxes, but got side-tracked. i was going through my credit card bills, highlighter in hand, looking for charity stuff, and noticed things i�d been being billed for (monthly recurring) had to be porn related. i went through my e-receipts for cancellation and wound up spending the afternoon on the email, on the phone, barking and bitching variously. there were other things i wanted to have done as well.
then the E on the dock started its bouncy thing informing me that a web subscription had been updated. lo and behold if it wasn�t shit-wit. a month and a half later something has changed. of course seth the pathetic had to drop everything and go see. (that�s the old pattern, for him i drop and do, but it was always a one way street.) i should have expected something. i, against my better judgement, kept an eye out for him online all day today. he was online most of the day.
he actually wrote a new �song� � the first since 22 january. he had been cranking jesus come get me shit out daily, then we had our fight and he stopped. well, this new one had a tiny intro dedication. between that and the words of the �song� there was a whole lot of news to be distilled.
apparently there�s some PCAer chick down at some missionary orphanage in Acapulco that he�s hot for, and come june he�s going there to work �with� her � work �on� her is more like it. he says he wants to help her to spread the glory and grace of the sacred bleeding heart of Paul (PCAers don�t care much about what Jesus said, just the hateful bits of Paul). well, spread genital warts to her is more like it. and all the boys on the side he�ll charm to pick up the soap for him. he�s in a huge rush to 'straighten' himself out, if you get my drift. boy is that bitch in for a ride!
oh, if you don�t know, PCA stands for Presbyterian Church in America. in a nutshell they believe the bible is all to be taken literally and � get this � in predestination. i�d thought that had gone out in the 17th century! they�re mean, hateful, and angry. looks like the flat earth society is still alive. bleh. those people are fucking scary.
so i can see what�s going to happen. let me give you a little history on him. please tell me if you see a pattern here. i do, but when you�re inside a situation you can�t see as well as one who�s outside it.
he grew up southern baptist in south carolina. nice boy. then in high school he turned into danger-slut, fucking everything that moved. drugs too. it�s when he had his first experience with another guy. among the things he told me about those days with great pride was how he got this one chick who was scared of pregnancy to let him fuck her up the ass. also how he managed to get a chance to masturbate sitting on the altar at his church. (and i fell in love with this guy? wtf?!) when he went to college he fell in with a bunch of scary hard-shell baptists and got fundy. �campus outreach� if you�ve ever heard of it. at the beginning of his sophomore year he got the hots for me and started courting me. in the fall of his senior year he started getting really aggressive toward me (emotionally and sexually). i had taken a shining to him, then grew fond, the came to care for him in a way i�d never cared for anyone, then i caved. he was in seventh heaven. and seven months later he had a breakdown, said i seduced and threatened him if he didn�t comply to my perverted desires (bear in mind, he�s 22 years old at this point and i'm no chaser). he ran to mommy with all this and she threatened my life and career if i should ever even look at him again. and now this is who he is, a PCAer, full of anger and hate toward me, but only if he can hide behind a keyboard to vent it. to my face he�s kind of sheepish, sometimes even solicitous. people who do that drive me nuts. it�s so shit or get off the pot! but that�s yankee me. the big difference i�ve found between the north and the south is that in the north they have the courtesy to stab you in the face.
so what�s up with him? what do you think? did i get steamrolled? talk about a playa! he could sell air conditioners to eskimos.
my weakness(es) are another story. i�m still exploring them. and will explore them here. there�s something so therapeutic about writing, and validating when others actually read it, especially when there�s feedback.
another opinion question fer yas. i am tempted, so tempted to share on of the 40(?) pictures of him from our nudie shoot. shall i?
they�re all of him, of course. everything was about him. in retrospect, the word �concession� was never in his vocabulary. it still isn�t. everything had/has to be what he wants, when he wants it, and exactly how he wants it, and how dare you if you expect the same from him in return! it was my final breakup with him -- my third attempt! � that spawned his breakdown. if i were such the evil pervert, wouldn�t that have been a cause of relief and rejoicing? after all, he had an old friend (read easy touch) there in his dorm room shacking up with him for the week! instead he attempted �suicide� with tylenol and wine. you could call that �judy garland � lite� or putting a bb gun to your head and threatening to shoot. pathetic. a textbook cry for attention is what i see.
i want to add a note here about my �coercion�. please someone tell me how you force a 22 year old man to have an erection, or fuck you for hours, or suck you off like a pro? know what? never when we were lovers (as he first said we were), did i ever see his dick limp except when it was deflating after he�d cum. even then we were looking in each other�s eyes, kissing, caressing, limbs entwined, nibbling each other�s ears/earrings, whispering how much we loved each other, sometimes one or the other shedding tears at pronouncing the L word. i�m serious about his dick! not once, NOT ONCE did i EVER put my hand to his still clothed crotch, before or as we were about to kiss, that he didn�t ALREADY have a hard on.
how do you �force� (as his mommy accused me of) a �poor, defenseless, innocent boy[?]� (as his mommy described him) to do that? i never saw his cum, either. i felt him though, or tasted him. he made all his deposits inside me. once or twice, after he�d fucked me, he offered me a little pearl of what was left at the head of his cock. i ate it, and took a good suck to make sure none was wasted. he�ll never have another lover like me.
i was so careful to say to him, as to anyone ever, that to me �no� means �no� and there�s no discussion on it. i was so afraid of hurting him in any way, not just physically. i wanted everything for him.
whenever we were spooning and i�d ask him why he loved me (not fishing, just baffled), he always said the same thing, �because you love me more than anyone.� there are two ways to read that. either that of everyone who loved him, i loved him most, or of everyone I loved i loved him most. (i hope that made sense!) it now looks like he meant the former. all about him, right?
what is your opinion on his deal? i�ll get into mine more deeply another time. understanding him will help me heal, forgive, and move on. i hope.
so off he goes to mexico to claim another victim. he can�t lose me though. i�ll always be with him. that large tattoo he wanted me to draw for him (and arrogantly expected me to pay for, large enough to cost $125 plus tip) around his wrist will be a constant reminder. sometimes i take some bwa-ha-ha-ha satisfaction in that.
i really am tempted to put up a picture of his self-rightousness ass here. think i should or would be ok if i did?
as i�d written before, either here or to a d-friend, i didn�t love him because he was gorgeous, he was gorgeous because i loved him. now i look at those pictures and am unbearably close to saying �that skank got me wet at the mere thought of him?!�
alas, i�m not quite there yet. i�ll wait for a few votes, or just go ahead and do it. if you find an entry with nothing but a pic...
it�s martini o�clock. excuse me.
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
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