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When the phone rang a pall of dread fell over me. I feared Tony was balking. Caller ID gave no name, but it was obviously a cell phone. The prefix looked like an area code and the city was all it gave for a name. So I answered.
Hello?
hiya
I knew the voice. My heart dropped. Didn't I just send him an email saying not now? Persistent bastard. Always was.
Stoner, I'm busy right now.
I told you not to call me that.
Why? Everyone else does. All your friends, I mean.
Not anymore. Those guys have moved away or don't talk to me anymore. My new friends don't call me that. I've changed. And besides, you never called me that.
All that's in the name of fuck! Yeah, you've changed alright. Any idea why they don't talk to you anymore? I'm one of them.
Please, please, don't say stuff like that. I could hear his voice faltering. A sign of sincerity? Should I give a shit?
So who are you now? Brother Stoner?
Don't. Please don't.
What then?
What you always called me.
Silence
I'm still your guy, aren't I?
Silence.
In the words of my Ry, "not so much".
Silence.
It feels good to hear you call me that again.
Pause. I'm getting played, no?
Listen, like I told you, I've got someone coming over any minute. I gotta go.
Wait! Can I come over later?
No. Not a good idea.
Is he your new boyfriend?
What beeswax is that of yours? We'll talk later. K? Bye.
And click.
Just in time. Tony walked in, grubby and muscular, with the devil in his eyes. That's another story.
The next day I came home from work to find a familiar car in the driveway. What the fuck is he doing here? The back door was locked, so I unlocked and walked into the kitchen. The place was quiet. No lights on. Nary a sound. On the counter sat a bowl of chips, a bowl of salsa, and two bottles of Harp in a bowl of ice. And a rose. A red one.
Aw fuck. Or uh-oh. I couldn't decide.
I set my shit down and began the prowl. I looked in the bedroom hoping beyond hope I wouldn't find him there naked on the bed with Mr. Blue. (Mr. Blue was the name of the butt plug. He used to love Mr. Blue, sometimes I thought more than me!) But nope. Well, if he's here, I thought, and not in the bedroom, he's in my study. And there I found him, not naked, feet up on my desk jerking off to porn on my iBook like I'd found him before, but just sitting there at my iBook doing something. He clamped it shut just as I walked in. I stood there and looked at him. Not quizzically, just looked.
I still have the keys you gave me. I still feel at home here. I've come here when you weren't here just to... just to... smell your clothes. I miss you.
And he looked at me with the puppy dog eyes that always melted me, plus he was sporting a little more than stubble (my weakness), namely a soul patch like he had when we first made love and I used to latch onto with my teeth and playfully tug. Does he want this whole nightmare to start all over again? Loss for words couldn't begin to describe where I was at that moment.
I... uh... didn't expect...
Didn't think you would. That's why I came.
Silence, from me anyway.
I brought stuff. Special schtuff.
I noticed.
Let's go partake and talk about schtuff.
He got the "schtuff" word from me. It was a cutesyism between us. He was pushing all the right buttons. I saw it. I also saw I was in struggle. He's good. He's REAL good.
We got so far as the dining room and he pulled my chair telling me to have a seat and proceded to the counter where he could grab the bowls he'd prepared. Chips and salsa came, then the beers. He produced a church key from his pocket (from my kitchen drawer) and quickly opened the two beers, handing me mine with that quiet, loving smile he always gave me. Then in a panic he ran back to the counter and brought back the rose. He just laid it on the table without a word.
You know the color code for roses?
Yep.
Before I could speak he lifted his beer as for a toast. I hesitantly raised mine. He clinked it, looked in my eyes, and mouthed the words I love you
This is trouble. This is danger. I don't need this. He saw the confusion and consternation on my face, so he tucked into the chips, had a swig of beer, then lit two cigarettes. He really was pulling out all the stops! He took one from his mouth, flipped it around, and headed the filter toward my mouth. It felt like old times. I parted my lips to receive it, but instead got his finger.
Tease!
Just like in old times. He's working me. He knows all my buttons and he worked all of them in overdrive. I used to tongue flick his finger back then and open my teeth enough for him to stick it in and I'd suck it like I would his dick. This time I didn't. He replaced his finger with the cancer stick and said no more.
Why?
Why what?
Why did... why, a lot of why's.
He looked longingly at me with those beautiful brown eyes.
You. You... You... Can we go spoon up to talk? It's important.
That was another of our cutsie lovers expressions, always said in just a certain tone and way. I was melting, but hardly where he expected me to be at that point.
Let's stay here at the table.
We should talk about...
There's more we should talk about than you're willing to. And I'm sick of the lies. I've learned of so many lies I bought from you when we were together. Too many. Why do you think I should believe you now? Especially now that you've run out of people to lie to except yourself and you've gone whole hog at that. What's this 'predestination' bullshit? No. Don't tell me. I don't want to know. You're smarter than that. I thought so anyway. False hope on my part? Probably. I loved and trusted you more than anyone. You knew that. You fucking said that! So you took me for granted, lied away, and made me the fall guy when all the messes you'd made started coming home to roost. Fuck you! I am so close to throwing you out of my fucking house right now!
His head was down through most of that. Interminable silence ensued. I sat back and sipped my tasty beer. I finally broke the silence.
Good taste in beer.
You taught me. You taught me so much. I didn't appreciate you. I mean I didn't show you I did.
I gave a gentle smile, but said nothing.
Please. Please can't we lie down together. I need you to hold me. I want you to call me your guy again. I'm so lost. I'm so lost.
Rather than say anything, I just got up and walked to the bedroom. I flipped on the light and got on the bed, sitting back against the headboard. He followed, switched the light off and lay down head on my lap, hand thrown over my legs and around my torso.
Say my name. Just say my name.
Ry...
Quiet convulsions told me he'd begun crying. I let him and just stroked his hair.
I did you wrong. I'm so ashamed of myself. No one ever loved me as much as you. I ruined it. I ruined everything.
Ry, you didn't. It takes two to tango. I'm fucked up. You are too. Worse even. We were a match made in hell from the git go. (pause) What's up with this PCA shit?
Please love on me.
I asked a question.
Not now. Please just love on me, k? I need you.
Why did you pull that suicide charade stunt?
Please...
No. Tell me.
He slid his hand from around my waist to tucking his fingers between my thighs. I let him. It felt good. It felt like old times. I liked it and didn't at the same time.
That day I disappointed you for the last time. When you needed me most I bailed. I had fresh pussy, and somehow that was more important than you. I disappointed you so many times. That seemed to be what I was best at. I let you down more than you know. I lied to you more than you know. You loved me so much I was sure you'd be there and believe anything I said, and you did. That made things worse. I love you. You're my guy. You'll always be my guy. I was so ashamed. I couldn't face you anymore.
Ry...
Just love on me, k? Just love on me.
With that he slid his hand up my inner thigh to the top and clenched. His eyes were clamped shut, his body tense. I began tracing ever so lightly my fingertips along his upper arm, until I realized that that is exactly what he had done to me to unlock the physical passion we had had for each other to begin with. But I continued to do it anyway.
It didn't take long before he'd clambered up and his tongue was in my mouth sensuously, lovingly swirling a dance with my own.
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thinkin' 'bout: nuttin
Dog(s) keeping me company: endings and beginnings
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