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Well, it's 9:30 in the morn and the master plan for the day has been shot already, either by the clock or by intention/motivation. Poop.
I hope anyone liked the story yesterday. It isn't over. More chapters were written this morning in my mind.
I also hope anyone thinks I'm back from wherever I went and will be funner in future. He still has 9 more days to fuck with my head in person, or what I should say in 9 more chances to apologize to me to my face, which in that hateful hateful email back when he swore would never happen. That hurt. What a coward to have to hide behind a keyboard to say hateful things, then in person get sheepish, or flirt, or ignore me! But you know what? Even if he does deign to apologize to me in future, given all the lies that he had told me and I unflinchingly bought, why should I believe him?
Well, I just thought of a reason. With such a dramatic refusal to do so, it looks like he'd have to drum up one hell of a lot of courage first. If he does, that would be a really big sign that he's very probably sincere. The only thing he ever told me that I still believe, unshakably at that, is that he loved me. 3 a.m. emails that say:
"i'm so afraid of fucking up and losing you. i love you like crazy"
The intensity and depth of our unblinking eye lock and his gentle smile when making love is more proof. His being inside me and leaving something of himself in me when our pleasuring each other was done simultaneous with our disappearing in each other's eyes -- eyes being the window to the soul -- it was never fucking, it was union. At those moments we became one, inside and out. You don't have that experience with a fuck-buddy or trick.
The real proof that his words of love to me were not lies were that a few times as he said 'I love you' to my face, tears trickled down his.
Anyway, that was then. If he didn't still love me, I don't suppose he'd be so squirrelly and extreme to me all the time now.
Oh dear, I'm wandering back there again. At least as I do it I'm not getting all worked up inside about it. I love Ryan; I always will. JWB is a hopeless, helpless, feckless asshole. I want nothing to do with him.
Just thought of something. I want Ryan to apologize to me, not Jesus Wejus Boy. Ryan would. Further proof that Ryan is no more, and my wanting an apology is just another sign of my hanging on, hoping that he's still there, maybe even that he'll come back. And holy shit, if he did start chasing me again, what a pickle I'd be in then!
Sorry. I didn't mean to wander out on that gangplank again. No doubt he will come up again in future entries. He's part of me now and will be for the rest of my life.
Sooooo....
This morning as I was checking stats I saw 3 interesting yahoo searches had come up with this diary. One was for "fast growing beard". No surprise there given my fetish. But it did alarm me that a search for anything could come up with me. I followed that link to whoever's search and, innocent as the words in the search were, the little blurby thing under the link (you know what I mean) mentioned hard cocks and nice asses. Whoever it was knew what s/he was getting into by clicking on me.
Another search was for "billiards jpegs" Innocent, but still they clicked!
Speaking of nice asses, the other search that led to this diary was for "billiards nice ass". What the fuck kind of word combo is that? Searching for what? Once again, the blurby thing was obvious to it being a dirty diary, queer even.
At any rate, the ease with which anyone can find me on google or whatever worries me a bit. This is a private diary where I share shit that no one else knows, and there are people who I don't want knowing its contents. Should they stumble on it, there'd be trouble in River City.
So I'm thinking of locking it, but making the password available to all (except them).
Gotta scoot!
The Tony story should continue this afternoon.
Stay tuned...
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thinkin' 'bout: S A L
Dog(s) keeping me company: late for work
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