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Yesterday was a lost day. Or worse. First I masturbated three times with this picture in mind:
It's such a buffet it's hard to know where to begin! The third time I shot the farthest -- a couple feet I guess. Weird to have that happen on the third.
Anyway, after that I spent about 3.5 hours responding to an email on the quandry thing. I may or may not edit and post it like the other one.
As soon as I got to work guess who I should run into? Rather than ignore we both half smiled at each other and passed by. I suddenly decided fuck it and turned and called his name. We eagerly walked toward each other, neither knowing what to say or who to go first. I wanted to say I didn't hate him, I only ignored because he told me to. All words left me. All I could think to do was a poking-like gesture of affection that we used to do. He didn't do it back. He said something stupid about the dogs, then acknowledged that what he'd said was stupid. Silence. He asked about them. I said "they're ok". He asked "how's it going?" "it goes." "I mean you." "not so good." pause as we locked eyes and I said, "I still miss you", my eyes began to well. another pause. I shrugged, turned, and left. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why did I do that? Or more to the point, why didn't I say what I meant to?
A few hours later I saw him where he usually waits to see me, sitting alone sullen. It re-broke my heart as it looked like I had his. I hated me. Regardless of what happened, I'd rather die a thousand deaths than see him hurt.
So what did I do? I rushed home and by 2:30 I'd already chugged a triple (martini) on an empty stomach. That was #1. I was writing apologies and what I had meant to say but didn't. I wrote over and over and over. I re-wrote until I went to bed around 11. How much had I drunk at that point? Good question. For the second time ever in my life I have no recollection, even of the LO coming home around 6. Thank the gods I at least had the sense not to send anything that I'd written. This morning I still felt bad so I spent from 7 to 1 writing and re-writing again. Eventually, enough I said and sent it. It was opened immediately, but he wasn't on line, so something's up with that. Maybe he'll respond. Maybe he'll just delete. (doubt it) Maybe he'll ignore. Here's the cut and paste of what I wrote:
I messed up yesterday. I'm sorry. What I wanted to say in person was that I don't hate you and am not shutting you out. I only ignore you because you told me to. For me it's an act, but if it helps you, I'll keep doing it. Please don't get angry or feel bad. I never want that. It's hard for each of us, but only 42 days left. Some mutual understanding and compassion for the homestretch might be good. I'll go back into mode now.
Did I say anything hostile? I half regret having sent that. Oh well. Too late now. There was an attachment. A .wmv of a dog that rides a skateboard. Just an ice breaker. It was downloaded as well.
After sending it something dawned on me. There is a difference between Ryan and JWB. I spoke and wrote to JWB. The point in that would be...? Well, I've assuaged my own conscience I guess. If JWB wants to go ballistic, let him. Ryan's in there somewhere and I hope he heard me. If JWB wants to part on a sour note, it's his note. Not mine.
If there's a response, I'll post it. It will be hostile and irrational I fear. Behind a keyboard to me that's the way he is. To my face, he's sheepish.
The email response I'd written yesterday needs to be posted as well. There are some puzzle pieces in it that a reader or two might find interesting. It'll probably come after this one.
I am so fucking backed up on emails, paperwork, the vineyard, the house yard, and a raft of other shit! The last thing I need is a triple again at 2! Oh well. One sits beside me.
Houston, we have a problem.
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Have any comments you'd like to share?
[So far 0 smart ass remarks have been made.]
encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thinkin' 'bout: martini
Dog(s) keeping me company: having fucked up again
Current read: 42