2004-04-04
8:08 p.m.

my own dog

What a day! I knew/know that when I get off my ass and actually do things I feel good. So why don't I? I'm just going to have to make me. I did a good job of watching myself. A surprisingly good job given how out of practice I am.

For a quick primer on Zen Buddhism, awareness is the central issue. You can't do anything about what's going on if you don't know what's going on. And as the airplane attendant tells you, don't help anyone else with their oxygen mask until you have yours on first. Or in Western speak, charity begins at home. Any good scientist will tell you that knowledge (i.e. awareness) comes from observation, so Zen training, Zen practice, is learning to be aware, and first of one's self. So you first learn to separate (not the best word, but I'll use it for the moment) yourself from yourself. In other words, become an observer of yourself. Enough primer... for right now. :-)

Today was a samu day. Working meditation. Among my accomplishments I broke the mosquito magnet, put the garden in, and the caladiums in the pergola (where I'm sitting now chilly as it is). The mower needed engine work and regular springtime maintenance. Did it.

All through the luscious labor I watched me and came up with very important questions for consideration. A couple birdies threw curious, important wrenches into the mix, and I kept on trucking, and watching.

Where to start? Thoughts or birdies?

I'll get the birdies out of the way. The first isn't much of a birdie. The LO and I had an email convo this morning. Very early for him since it was 7 here and he's in Seattle. I asked "Why so corpse in bed?" He replied "Fear of rejection." He's getting home in the middle of the night. Then there's work tomorrow, then a b-day party for someone who's another story for another day. But then afterwards, if he's not too shagged out time change, jet lag, &cet, he's in for something. Communication has been our biggest prob, and that's gonna end. If he won't speak, I will. We've been under the same roof for nearly 18 years now! I'm everything to him, but he treats me like furniture. I've been scared to speak to him of my woes because he gets all upset and becomes a real pain in the neck. He doesn't speak to me (I think) because he's afraid I'll leave him. Which I won't. Which is part of why jwb has been such a thorn.

I was told today -- here's the unwitting birdie -- that jwb is utterly strung out over the break up of our 'friendship' as she called it. I doubt she knows the full extent of it. Anyway, she said he's scared to speak to me and feels really ashamed and such. I guess that explains his 'lurking' if you want to call it that. I'd just call it hyper-vigilance. I'm on the watch too, not because I want him back, but because seeing him only breaks my heart again. He, according to her, is even more hyper-vigilant because the sight of me, the thought of me, upsets him terribly. He still loves me, but doesn't want to. Same here.

There's the danse macabre.

We've been unintended, utterly unexpected forces in each others lives. He wasn't a trick to me. He was never even close to that! Neither of us has ever encountered anyone like us before. Nor will we ever again. For me (and no doubt for him) we have permanent places in each other's histories, hearts, and minds.

I don't know what to do with this info I gained today regarding him. I'll think of something. Sure I miss him, but I don't want him back.

Enough about him. Not that he won't keep cropping back up. He was a powerful force in my life, as I was in his. I'd never felt so comfortable or natural with anyone like with him. Or he with me. This past is illustrative and I hope to learn volumes from it.

I started a diary here to kick this shit out. It hurt what happened. I'd never trusted or cared so much for anyone, so of course his betrayal hurt! I was sincere, so the whole thing got compounded. I'd have healed a lot faster I think if he hadn't started playing the games with me that he has been. And I fear that of late I've been playing back. For him it seems either a bid at avoiding me or a bid at making an opportunity for me to speak. Same from my end more or less, I guess. Well, that's over. Fear of running into each other must and will be his deal. I dropped that fear over a week ago.

Of course I still care. Never did I tell him that I loved him that I didn't mean it. According to him, same back at me. It's a peculiar situation.

Something Becky and I chatted about last night was the whole diary thing. It had become a stressor to me. She assured and reminded me that it's mine to do with as I will. I'm not beholden to entertain any audience. She made me look back to why I'd started the damn thing in the first place!

I started it (a different one) to vent pain. All pain, not just jwb. My experience with him was and is important. There's so much to learn about myself, and my situation from the experience. Writing helped me explore the experience, and since much of the experience was physical, I started this diary. It wasn't intended to be a purely sex diary, the blurb to your left as you read notes that. Well, a lot of what I felt I needed to rehearse was erotic, and horndog that I am, other sexual ventings and fantasies might as well intermingle. Hence this diary. Heartbreak times, sexy times, however I happen to feel times.

So today was a good day. Lots observed and lots done.

Tomorrow will be interesting. A new chapter needs to be opened.

I look forward to continuing my exploration of my interest in watching young guys bang girls, but right now is a time of healing for me. And I really do want the muse to descend upon me to write more erotica. When she does, I will, but because I enjoy writing it.

I'm gonna go see what's on the tube, heat up leftovers, then go to bed and read some more of my book, probably fondling my freshly shaved balls as I do. Not that Stephen King is music to ball fondle by!

Seth

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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02

Bones - 2008-09-20

random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09

Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04

Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29

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Thinkin' 'bout: my own wine

Dog(s) keeping me company: how good it will feel to have the LO back

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