2004-03-27
4:01 p.m.

mercury

i got some fun responses to that pic i posted in the last entry. yeah! you guys have a wonderful ability to brighten my day and/or help me tie yet another knot at the end of my rope. thank you for being you!

and if you're curious, yes, i do have that to look forward to! i'll talk about it when i get there in the saga of seth. post another pic of the feller as well.

thursday was beyond horrid and you can guess who was at the root of it. i don't know what it is with thursdays but last thursday i ran into him three times. sort of ran into him. i was still high from how good wednesday had been and determined to just go about my business, him be damned. well, i caught him lurking at me three times as he tried to avoid our crossing paths. the third time actually pissed me off for some reason so i made sure he knew i was aware of his efforts. no words, just made sure to make eye contact. he kept prairie dogging, and i started getting some perverse thrill at the obvious fact that i had the upper hand. every time he peeked from his 30' away hiding place, i wanted to say 'boo!'

then i felt sad that he felt the need to go through such careful routes to make sure we wouldn't meet. then i felt guilty. then i caught myself.

i came home early, martini o'clock came early, the L O would be coming home late (10-ish), so i sat to write something i didn't and won't post. it was a fantasy dialog. i just let the Muse do her thing and rather than it turning out peaceful, i got righteous. real righteous. it's about time i allowed myself to stop taking the blame and get angry.

by the time i was on page 8 or 9, i was drunk out of my gourd and started feeling guilty for yelling at him as i did, even though the whole thing was made up. i am uncomfortable to hear me get like that. i just put my drunk ass to bed. then the L O came home. a couple hours later i awoke from my stupor, exhausted from my emotional struggles, and spent the rest of the night mostly awake, either awakened by nightmares or afraid to go back to sleep because of them.

friday morning was weird. he was there in my mind as always, but i felt the overwhelming desire to give him the finger should i see him. i felt bad again for that. that's not me. certainly not me with him.

then i remembered something that my gin-pickled self had written the night before. i'll paraphrase since i've chucked what i'd written.

"'I miss him, not you. I grew to love him. I trusted him more than anyone ever. I wanted the world for him, and would have gone down in flames fighting to give it. He knows that.

'You. I don't know you. What I do know of you makes me not want anything to do with you. Your 180 to PCA and that gerbil wheel of circular logic that he used to disdain baffles me. Worse than that, awareness, compassion, intelligence, rationality ... all the things that made me admire, respect, and love you, you've turned your back on all of them.

'You've become a mean, hateful, angry asshole. There is no place for you in my life. I didn't deserve to be strung along, or lied to, or betrayed, or made the villain. Your confusion is yours.

'In that hateful blast you last sent me, the most galling thing was accusing me of "abusing privilege". What? How dare you!

'Then you say that apologizing to my face "will never happen." To my face you're sheepish. Hiding behind a keyboard you are so mean and hateful and angry i have no idea who you are.

'Well, i don't deserve it. Any of it. Direct your hate elsewhere.'"

another thing that struck me last time i saw him (thursday) was how bony and gaunt he's become. he was skinny before, but damn! now you can virtually see his wrist bones! there's a line between skinny and skeletal. he's crossed it. i worry for him. i want to take care of him. i still want everything for him ... but i know he's toxic to me. he'll soon put more than a bb gun to his head. i'm sure of that. his pendulum swings becomes less and less wide.

so what in my position can i do? leave him to do it and hope not to learn? i'm gonna think of him all of my life. too big a dent, too big a chunk has been ripped out of my heart not to.

it's getting dark. i'm sitting outside on the patio, can't see so much, and there are 5 planets in the sky tonight. i've never seen mercury. gotta go see!

more soon.

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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02

Bones - 2008-09-20

random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09

Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04

Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29

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