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got the vines taken care of with pruning and training. i need to spray fungicide too. anyway, all 76 of my babies are standing there bleeding. no bud break yet though. very soon, but not too soon i hope. we can get late march fuck you freezes the devastate early crops.
hugh, who owns the property where my vines are, spotted me down there and came down the hill to help. he�s a great guy. mid/late 60s. full of piss and vinegar. i�m glad he came down to help. i�d gotten morose dwelling on jwb. last year it was he who helped me prune. he (jwb) wanted to learn everything from me about wine-making, viticulture, dog training, woodworking, and other more intellectual stuff. i guess it was a sort of hero worship run amok. it hurts me so much to have lost him. his sudden love of jesus has filled him with such hate and anger. he�s a time bomb. i gotta protect myself, though. i gotta fall out of love. but how do you do that?!
and what the fuck does it have to do with vine training? just that it, like nearly everything in my life, still bears his fingerprints. i miss him. i hurt.
maybe this will help distract me...
sneaky peek at a tasty treat!
no. i still hurt.
at a quarter to 6 the L O came in my room to announce that we�d be leaving at 6. for what? a memorial service. oh. i wish i�d known. he does that to me all the time. i usually comply. tonight i just said that i must have forgotten and that he go. i�m crispy and tired (and sad, but he doesn�t need to know that.) seeing as it�s �date night�, he said he�d leave early and pick up something on the way back. sounds like a hot date, doesn�t it? feh. he might even stop and get a dvd he wants to see. oh boy.
i sound like i come down hard all the time on the L O (the Loved One). i just funnel all my bitching here in the diary. i�ll write about him and us in another entry. it�s a difficult, confusing thing for me. not hopeless though. not like with JWB. that was hopeless from the git-go.
on the way to the vineyard, as per ritual, i stop at the store to get a 12-pack and nibbles, usually pork rinds. today i also bought $40 in scratch off lottery tickets. after hugh cleared the zone, i sat and scratched. i won $47. well, do the math and it�s $7 i won. that should be more than enough to get powerball tickets tomorrow. it�s up to $75 mil. that would mean $15 mil in my pocket (along with, of course, my little buddy!). oh, by the way, i have this curious drive to match the jackpot amount rounded to the nearest 5. so tomorrow i�ll (probably) buy $75 in tickets.
powerball fantasies are another entry. as is where i get the money in �invest� (as the L O says).
i was suddenly inspired to add a pic of JWB just now. i, masochist that i am, reviewed all the pics i have. we had, let�s call it a �photo session� one night. they�re all of him. he�s very vain. looking at the pictures, i�m not entirely sure why he should be. there was a time my cock would twitch, drool, and fatten just at the thought of looking at the damn things. now i look at them and think, �who�s that�.
that has to be progress. isn�t it?
so i�m glad the vines got attended to, glad that my lobstertude is abating, even if it does still hurt. i�m bummed that jwb won�t get the fuck out of my heart, bummed that the psoriasis makes me look like a leper, bummed that my L O is a lousy lover, bummed that over the past few years i�ve gone from a 32 to a 36 while my chest has stayed at 42. bummed that i smoke too much, drink too much, have lost interest in my occupation, am sick of all the meds being pushed on me, and am staving off the fact that i quietly wish every night not to wake up in the morning.
it gets tedious.
making it stop would be such a relief to me. but not to others. so i go on.
i�m trying to think of a happier thing to end this entry on.
****
the L O just called. he and a favorite couple of ours (straight couple thank you) want to go out to Ruby Tuesdays to eat. i said yes. so he�s on his way to get me to go there. at least at that place i won�t have to worry about wearing a hat (bad hair!). i do need to pick out a dress, though. i need to pick out a better attitude is more like it.
wish me luck in acting like i�m having fun.
i don't like me very much right now. can't say why.
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
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