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there's nothing sexy in this entry.
a few entries back i posted something 'on depression'; for a certain young beautiful woman whom i've had the honor of meeting via dland. she suffers, as do i.
depression and sadness are such different critters. it pisses me off when people say they're 'depressed', only because they've broken a nail, or run out of gas, or something banal. or even not so banal. sadness, even profound sadness, isn't depression. it would be like getting a cold, even the flu, and calling it cancer.
go back a few entries and read that quotation. that woman fairly well nails it.
depression is a constant, chronic state. it's always there. we who suffer know that. that sounds like a cry for pity, but it isn't. there's no way to explain it that anyone who isn't there 'gets it'. my best explanation is kinetic, can't do it online. for anyone who wants to understand, i have them sit in a chair, stand in front of them, put my flat palm on their forehead and command them to get up. when they can't, i make fun of them. this is the experience i have. i know of at least one other reader who understands and is in concert with me.
depression is a rock around the neck. at time you get to feel like Giles Corey and just say "more weight", knowing that with a critical mass of it you'll get totally irrational and in a fit take your own life.
sometimes you can be toodling along, up as can be, then suddenly down a bottomless pothole you go.
here i am this evening. down. very down. what threw me here i don't know. that's the reall sick and twisted part about depression. some triggers can be identified, others not.
it sucks. it really sucks. when it gets bad enough my thoughts turn to the beretta i have stashed in my workshop. i've practiced. i know right where to aim it, the part of the brain that needs to be blown out to make the pain stop.
so there's my dark side.
i told you. too much information.
seth is shit.
maybe in the morning he'll feel different.
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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02
Bones - 2008-09-20
random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09
Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04
Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29
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