2004-02-12
3:05 p.m.

*it's been awhile (pt. 1)*

I'm sitting at home at my computer when suddenly I hear the timk! sound it makes when I get an email. I hurry to look in case it's him. You'd think I'd have stopped that Pavlov shit by now. I cut him loose in July. He'd turned into quite the deceitful, self-centered asshole.

He'd wanted me, and wanted me bad. Chased me for three years before I caved in and fell. And man did I fall hard! I laid a lot on the line, risked my marriage and my job. I wasn't letting the little head be doing the thinking for the big one. Worse. The heart was doing the talking. So I caved.

Once he'd caught his prey, he toyed with it like a cat does with a mouse. In July I'd had enough and cut him loose. I didn't stop loving him, I just couldn't take his bullshit anymore. He had a breakdown over it, went ya-ya fundamentalist Christian, tried to ruin my marriage and career, in retaliation, I guess. Neither of those efforts succeeded. It's been really tense at work. When I'd run into him, I'd look at him, he'd look away. He still had me prisoner. He still toyed. I still let him, still had feelings, and still missed him...

Last week I'd had enough yet again and turned the tables. I started ignoring him. From the corner of my eye I could see that he wasn't liking it.

So tink! and hard as I try, I can't resist a peek. It's from him. Every emotion you can imagine floods me. But it's only 1k. Could it be one of those simple two word emails he used to send me once or twice a day? The ones that simply said "love you"? All kinds of crazy shit went through my head. So I opened it.

"band practice tonight?"

The effrontery! How dare he?

(To explain, my 'better half' is in a band that rehearses on Thursday nights. He usually goes, but sometimes not. When he does, this other guy used to slip over and we'd have 'special time' as he (the other guy) used to call it for a few hours. 'Special time could be anything from our having a couple beers and bullshitting to fucking like wild beasts.)

I haven't read this email from him in a very long time. So I'm shocked. I sit and stare utterly incredulous. After a couple minutes with no response from me, he writes again.

"can i come over?"

Again from me, nothing. So another note from him:

"mad at me?"

What?! I wish I were! Stupid me is still in love. I reply.

"It's just me here till around 9:30. Come if you want, but I don't want to fight and your Bible will be your buttplug so fast you won't know what fucked you if you try to pull that crap."

That was harsh. Oh well.

"be there in 30"

More code from back in the day. That meant that he was going to shower and come over. It also meant that he wanted to have sex and that I was to have a shower, a rinse, and a relaxation session with Mr. Dildo so I'd be good to go: clean outside and in for him to bareback me without having to go through the limbering process.

I'm freaking out at this point. I just get myself a beer and stand in the kitchen smoking (and fuming) by the window. Hell no. I'm not jumping to his bidding anymore! Invite him over? What the fuck was I thinking?

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encroaching increase of darkness - 2008-11-02

Bones - 2008-09-20

random bitchings and musings - 2008-07-09

Man with Huge Cock - 2008-07-04

Eric and other crazy shit - 2008-06-29

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